Carla: It is ok, don't get up. I got it!
Carla: It's only your child.
Carla: Thank you! Is this for when we buy the baby a dog?
Janitor: No! It's a baby cage! It's a good one too! See? When I was a kid, mine didn't have these windows! It's perfect! When you want to go out to dinner, it's already got a water bottle in it, so you just throw in some cedar chips in there so the baby can poop... you're made in the shade!
Janitor: I'm kidding! It's for when they buy the baby a.. uh.. uh.. a puppy!
I pooped in my bed so I put it on the TV.Jack
Kim: See ya round six, wear something slutty. Zoom, zoom, zoom!
And there it was, the moment where pity was turning into genuine affection - classic Dorian.J.D.
J.D.: Hey Tubby!
Carla: Oh J.D., I want you to feel the baby, come here quick!
(J.D. leans in to feel, at which point Carla smacks J.D.'s ears)
Don't call me tubby!
J.D.'s Narration: Pregnant witch!
Elliot: It's a preggie teddie! I got it over at that new maternity lingerie store at the mall. Had a very interesting conversation with the sweet old lady who owns the place. She said not that many pregnant women shop there. It's mostly just fat whores.
Laverne: I gotta get me one of those.
Kim: So, Josh, you are suffering from a condition called phimosis. It's basically a hardening of your foreskin. As part of your treatment, I'm going to ask that you masturbate five times a week.
J.D.'s narration: Help the poor kid out...
J.D.: Wow five times a week, huh? For me that would be cutting back!
J.D.'s narration: He said in front of his future girlfriend.
J.D.: You know what? I should probably mosey.
Carla: Huh? Ya like that?
Todd: I felt it move.
Carla: Todd, you're touching your crotch.
Todd: I know, and I'm loving it.
I hate cleaning up after those messy old queens. Oooh, appletini, when did they start drinking straight guy drinks?J.D.'s Narration
J.D.: Two and a half weeks is too long to wait for a third date.
Kim: I'm pregnant.
J.D.: What now?
J.D.: Gloria, I need you to change the dressing on Mr. Curnses wound.
Gloria: And I need you to suck it!
J.D.: Wow Gloria! Do you kiss your great great great great great grand kids with that mouth? Zoom Zoom Zoom!