Scrubs

Scrubs Quotes (Page 3)

Season 9 Episode 10: "Our True Lies"

Kelso: Bar codes? What the hell is this, a supermarket? That's a human being, for god's sake!
Dr. Cox: Listen, old prospector. I know that any new machine scares you, but here's the well-held secret: you know that box that records your favorite television shows? There isn't a demon inside of it!
Kelso: Then how does it know what I like?! I miss the good old days, when doctors and patients actually got to know each other. You know, back when sexually harassing a nurse was just considered polite chit-chat.
Turk: Yes...the good old days. Back when a man of my color couldn't be a doctor...but could live out his life-long dream of one day driving a white woman to her hair appointments. Yes. Things were much better back then.
Dr. Kelso: See? Turkleton gets it.
 • Rating: Unrated

Denise: I need your help. I have a patient that had to pee on a ski lift so she pulled her pants down and her butt froze to the seat and when she got off she lost most of the skin on her ass.
Drew: What's the question?
Denise: Can I laugh at that?
Drew: That depends, is she within ear shot?
Denise: No.
Drew: That's funny. No butt skin.
Denise: I lied, she's right behind you.
 • Rating: Unrated

Cole: Babe, I can read you like the back of a DVD cover.
 • Rating: Unrated

Season 9 Episode 9: "Our Stuff Gets Real"

J.D.: Ooh motel sex? It's like I'm a senator and your a tobacco lobbyist. We should arrive separately.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

J.D.: Denise brought some non-alcholic beer.
Denise: Yeah, I got it for this dude I'm railing, he used to be an alky.
Drew: Not an appropriate time to bring all that up, but there it is.
Cole: And I brought some sensual body chocolate. What's the situation with the big old D's? Got any milk yet?
 • Rating: Unrated

Cox: I mean around here, you just can't let your work and personal life overlap.
Denise: Yeah, that was always Ally McBeal's problem too. It's so hard being a working woman in the 90s.
 • Rating: Unrated

J.D.: Elliot, do you think there's a Patrick Dempsey movie I haven't seen?
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Elliot: Turk also said that Knight Rider is a documentary.
J.D.: It's based on fact, everyone knows that.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Drew: You haven't done any cutting on the cadaver yet.
Lucy: I can't wait to get in there.
Cole: Hells yeah. My woman's gonna go all Edward Scissorhands on his ass. I'm making a hedge.
Drew: Is he really good in bed?
Lucy: He'd have to be.
Drew: I'd hope so for your sake.
 • Rating: 4.5 / 5.0

Lucy: Drew, we haven't really connected yet.
Drew: Nope.
Lucy: Is this because I slept with Cole I invalidated myself as a person?
Drew: Pretty much.
Lucy: I get that.
 • Rating: 2.0 / 5.0

J.D.: All the baby books say we'll be back to our normal sex life in about six weeks.
Turk: Those baby books are filled with lies. You don't know, it's crazy. You're gonna be changing diapers covered in spit up. You're not gonna have sex for a long, long, long time.
J.D.: No hide the penny?
Turk: No.
no me girl, you boy
Turk: No.
J.D.: No dirty Zulu warrior?
Turk: No, and that one's racist.
J.D.: There'll still be cuddling, right? Please tell me there'll be cuddling. I'm a man, I have needs.
Turk: She'll have a baby to cuddle with.
Turk: That bastard.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Jordan: You know that bag of bones my sister Danny married? He died, she got nothing.
Cox: Bert died?
Jodran: You're not listening. Danny got nothing. You need to do your will so I can get all your stuff.
 • Rating: 4.0 / 5.0

Elliot: Let's just avoid the breast region. They're big, but they are not for touching - too sore. And let's just avoid the thighs; they sort of feel like memory foam, they leave a hand print. And I have the elbows of a 75 year old black man.
 • Rating: 4.0 / 5.0

Elliot: What is that?
J.D.: It's our baby's crib.
Elliot: It looks like a trap. You trying to catch someone else's baby?
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Season 9 Episode 8: "Our Couples"

Cole: Oh like you're so great? you're wishy washy, you're obsessed with horses and there's that weird role play where you make me pretend I'm black.
Lucy: Is this coming from Cole or Deshaun?
Cole: Both.
 • Rating: 4.0 / 5.0

Cole: You can't just jump in front of golf carts, that's how gardeners die.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Cole: You're smart, nice and smell like the beach. Not like the kind of beach with dead fish, homeless dudes camping, and that weird foamy stuff...
 • Rating: Unrated

Lucy: Denise, that was girl talk. You have broken a sacred bond between sisters.
Denise: Oh no, now I'm not gonna be able to wear the traveling pants this week. Look, I know that you have daddy slash food slash body slash horse issues. But Cole? Really?
 • Rating: Unrated

Denise: Drew, if I wanted to be with a girl, I could. Save all the emotional crap for your diary.
 • Rating: Unrated

Season 9 Episode 7: "Our White Coats"

Turk: Why do white people ruin everything? I only got to say "'fo shizzle" for a week.
 • Rating: 4.2 / 5.0

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