Listen up, Interns! Notice the definition in the upper calf. (Lifts pant leg to reveal his oddly youthful legs) Look at it, damnit! See that. Back in 'Nam the choppers used to hover about eight feet over my head and I'd jump in. You should have seen the look on Charlie's face. (To Rex) Not the enemy, son. The pilot, Charlie-horse. Great guy. He didn't make it back. Where's the cake?Dr. Kelso
It's springtime at Sacred Heart and the whole hospital has that end of the year smell. (J.D. sniffs nurse's hair and cringes)J.D.'s narration
Kim: Well I'm up for anything. I married my high school boyfriend, so the only first date I ever went on was in tenth grade. It began with me sitting in the back seat of his Miata because his friend Benny called shotgun and ended with us going to the arcade to, and I quote, "eat pizza and beat up nerds." And I married that guy.
J.D.: Well trust me, Kim, I've beaten up many nerds in my day. But tonight's about you having the very best first date ever.
Kim: Alright, sluggah!
Elliot: You don't have anything planned do you?
J.D.: You had to soil the whole food court thing. It's Veal Picatta Night at Sbarros.
Dr. Cox: Say, Bobbo, you wanna weigh-in on pregnancy sex?
Dr. Kelso: It's a freak show.
Carla: Remember when I first started dating Turk and I wanted to bail on him because he cried at the end of sex?
J.D.: Relax Brown Bear. There's no shame in 'crymaxing'.
Dr. Kelso: You know the difference between you and me, Dorian?
J.D.: Your melon-sized prostate, sir?
J.D.: You stole my video camera with all the scenes from 'Dr. Acula' the vampire movie I'm making.
Janitor: Why do you think I stole it?
J.D.: I don't know, maybe because I was surfing the hospitals website and I saw that someone posted the 'Dr. Acula delivers a baby and then eats it' scene. Someone with the screen name 'Rotinaj'. 'Rotinaj' is Janitor spelled backwards Rotinaj.
Janitor: Good morning Dr. Rotinaj!
Dr. Rotinaj: Good morning Mr. Clean Up Man.
Dr. Kelso: Listen up, name-tags!! I need to wire some cash to my son so we can make bail. Apparently, that musical he was producing was just a front for a crystal meth lab. And heres the kicker: he fled to Toronto so now the freakin' Mounties are involved!!
J.D.: I finally figured out what bothered me so much about you.
Kim: Well, lay it on me, studly.
J.D.: It's the way you're so concerned about protecting yourself. I mean, no one in this entire hospital has a bad thing to say about you, and I'm guessing that's because you're so careful not to rub anyone the wrong way. You still wear your wedding ring, that prevents any guy from getting anywhere near ya. You wouldn't operate on Mr. Peters, and we both know how you're protecting yourself there. I dunno, I guess in the grand scheme of things it's not that big a deal. I just, I was a little disappointed to find out who you turned out to be.
J.D.'s thoughts: I guess people can always surprise you.
J.D.: I saw you did that surgery on Mr. Peters. Did you decide it was the right thing to do?
Kim: No...actually it was a stupid career risk.
J.D.: Then why did you do it?
Kim: Because for some reason I find myself really caring about what you think of me.
Kim: This is the length of the average penis.
J.D.'s thoughts: What?!
Patient: That seems about right.
Kim: Good for you! I was just messing with J.D.
J.D.: You know what, I'm not talking to any of you guys. You're lying...! (J.D. checks patient's penis) Oh my God!
J.D.: Here comes Kim. She has had all night to think about what she did so she will probably be in a shame spiral. Let's enjoy it!
Kim: Hey fellas! How are you living?
Turk: Large. (To J.D.) WHAT!? What? Was I not supposed to answer?