Hello Perry. I don't really know why I'm here but nurse Espinosa said that if I didn't swing by that she would stop coming over to my house and giving instructions to my pool boy. He speaks perfect English but he doesn't have any front teeth so I can never look at him without laughing.

Dr. Kelso

J.D.'s Narration: Maybe he just needed time to heal, or maybe he just needed to see how much everybody cared. But I'd like to believe that it was because of me that he was finally able to say this:
Dr. Cox: You don't drink scotch.

Patient: I'm just worried about this mole.
Dr. Kim: Doesn't look cancerous. Eeeh, get in there and take your pants off.

Keith: Did Elliot leave without telling me?
Jordan: Why is there an intern in my bathroom? It's not my birthday.
Keith: She made me watch.

(Drunk) Newbie, would you give me some trouble, I'm having a little help here.

Dr. Cox

Dr. Kim: Yep, you've got the pink eye.
Patient: Can I put my pants back on?
Dr. Kim: Right after I put some drops in.

You had a tough day at the office, so you come home, make yourself some dinner, smother your kids, pop in a movie, maybe have a drink. It's fun right? Wrong. Don't smother your kids.


Carla: Alright people, listen up! We are a family and what do families do when one of their own is in trouble?
Elliot: When my brother Barry came out of the closet my parents send him to hetero-camp.
Carla: Families that aren't from Connecticut.

Turk: How the hell am I supposed to cry?
Janitor: You need to cry, let's brainstorm. I could hit you over the head with the wrench, or I could stab you in the gut with the knife. Knife-Wrench! Practical and safe.

Jordan: Hello Bob...No cheek kiss necessary.
Dr. Kelso: Oh good, I have pipe breath. Sooo...When was the last time I was here, '97? I know it has been a while because Enid could still fit through that door. I shouldn't joke, she is very ill.

Turk: Is there another guy on this planet who is that sensitive?
J.D.: Okay, let it out. I've got you. J.D. has got you. Hold me tighter, a little too tight...There is a good spot.

J.D.'s Narration: The truth is, thanks to modern medicine, 80 isn't that big of a deal anymore. It's not like the olden days.
Fantasy J.D.: Let us not feel sorrow for Bobby Adams. He was 12. He lead a full life. He will be missed, especially by his beautiful wife, Jenny, who stood by him even when he turned six, had a midlife crisis and was caught banging one of those people naked people that brought us corn.
J.D.: I'd be the oldest man in Pilgrim Village.

Scrubs Quotes

J.D.: Hey, I heard a great joke. A guy walks into a dentist's office and says, "I think I'm a moth." And the dentist says, "Well, if you think you're a moth, why are you at a dentist's office?"
J.D.'s narration: Oh, no, I forgot the punchline... You can't bail out now! Stall! Stall!
J.D.: ...So the moth says "That's a good question. What kind of dentist are you?" And the dentist says, "Well, I'm a general dentist, but I...I do dabble in orthodontry - braces and such." And... and the moth says, "Orthodontry? I hear there's great money in that."
J.D.'s narration: "The light was on"!
J.D.: "But! To answer your original question, which was, if I think I'm a moth, why am I in a dentist's office? The answer is, Because the light was on!" The light! The light, James. Moths love light. So, James, other than your funny bone being broken, what seems to be the problem?

I understand that you took a cab all the way down here - that doesn't mean that I can give you Vicodin because your teeth are itchy