Listen Reid, normally any damage to Dr. Cox's oversize ego would be cause for celebration. And yet, for some reason I'm not wearing a party hat sitting bare-ass on the hospital's copier machine. You know why? It's not because I have "Johnny" tattooed on my butt. He was an old navy buddy and if you went through what we did you'd understand... It's because your little theory is way off.

Dr. Kelso

Hot Female Doctor: You know doctor, I'm getting a little tired of your sexual innuendo.
Todd: ...In your endo.

Janitor: Okay, two coins equals 30 cents, no nickles. I swear, we've done this before...Come on man! You went to Yale, for god sake!
Troy: Relax...I figured it out.
Janitor: A penny and... a button that you wrote '29 cents' on. You think I don't recognize your hand writing?
Troy: Can't we just kill him?
Janitor: How's therapy going?

Dr. Cox: Nice helmet!
J.D.: Actually it is not a helmet, it is a 'hairmet'. You see, it's got extra room built in so you don't mess up your hair due.
Dr. Cox: I'm going to write you a prescription for two testicles. You get it filled whenever.

(To J.D.) Hey, come over here. We want to do stuff to you.

Janitor

Janitor: Hey, we solved your stupid game.
Troy: Yeah, we have been to the libary.
Janitor: ...'brary' Troy, library.

Carla: (She sees Turk holding a beer) What are you doing? (He threatens to open it) You better not open that. (He opens it) Okay, you better not drink it. (He takes a sip) All right, You better not enjoy it. (He expresses enjoyment, Carla bitch slaps his beer)
Turk: Did you just bitch slap my beer?
Carla: Are you calling me a bitch?
(drum roll)
Turk: Yes. Yes, I am!

Patient: How was Acapulco?
Elliot: We told everyone that you were in Acapulco.
Dr. Cox: I never went to Acapulco. I lost three patients and spent the last two weeks on my couch trying to drink myself to death so that my victims and I could be reunited in the afterlife and they could rightly have their vengeance but then I realized that tactic would never work as I would be sent straight to hell, which I imagine is a lot like Acapulco only there would be fewer Latin men trying to sell me Chiclets on the beach. All the best.

Barbie, are you a real doctor, or a doctor like Dr Pepper is a doctor?

Dr. Cox

This is why the headache didn't go away, it is actually pronounced 'analgesic', not 'ANALgesic'. The pills go into your mouth.

Turk

Turk: How the hell am I supposed to cry?
Janitor: You need to cry, let's brainstorm. I could hit you over the head with the wrench, or I could stab you in the gut with the knife. Knife-Wrench! Practical and safe.

Jack: Daddy drinks a lot.
Jordan: His first complete sentence. Fantastic.

Scrubs Quotes

... Turk, Turk, Turk, Turk. I can't talk right now! I'm at your wedding.

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Doug: How long do I have to stay up here?
Janitor: Just until I finish pretending to read the newspaper. Hm! Apparently there was some sort of election held recently.