J.D.: She wants to get married now?
Turk: She says it's romantic to be spontaneous.
J.D.: Ahh, that is romantic. So, how pregnant is she?

Laverne: Lester? Honey, I don't want you using the stove on your own.
Man: Nurse, I asked for an extra pillow an hour ago!
Laverne: I'm talking to my husband! So why don't you get your own damn pillow?

Dr. Cox: Ted, why don't you be a sport and... and get us started.
Ted: Uh, people, we're here today...
Dr. Cox: Snore! New idea: we're all gonna clam up for about an hour so I can get some shut-eye. Oh, and Nervous Guy-
Doug: Yes, Dr. Cox?
Dr. Cox: If I were you, I'd go ahead and swallow that entire mouthful of baby carrots. Because, if I hear you make even one more damn crunch, I'm gonna use the remainder of the carrots in that bag to make you completely air-tight, son.

J.D.: I can totally explain why Jamie said that. You know how Turk always says "hey, player" when he means "hey, buddy"?
Elliot: Yeah...?
J.D.: Well, Jamie's from Cincinnati, and in Cincinnati they say, "Hey, slut!"
Elliot: Oh... Neat!

Carla: Turk? Are you sure you're happy we're doing this?
Turk: Are you kidding me? This is my ideal wedding! It's cheap, there's no hassle, plus you said you'd call my mom and explain to her why she wasn't invited.
Carla: No I didn't!

Dr. Kelso: Dammit, Perry, you're there to teach! If I wanted somebody to lay around all day and do nothing, I would've wheeled in a corpse...or my housekeeper, Rosalba.
Dr. Cox: Captain Clip-On? Did you go ahead and tattle on me?

J.D.: Hey, uh, I just wanted to say, you were right about Jamie.
Elliot: Uh-huh. And what does Jamie think you're doing over here?
J.D.: Asking you not to show up at my apartment drunk, naked, and crying.

Dr. Cox: Okay, here we go. When hospital employees fail to communicate properly with patients, there are both ethical and legal ramifications that can lead to financial hardships for the institution and personal grievances against its... doctors. Huh.
Elliot: Dr. Cox! This is useless, I thought we were really going to learn something?
Dr. Cox: Barbie, why did they toss you in here?
Elliot: Oh, they didn't! I'm, uh... uh, I'm... auditing.

Dr. Cox: Fine. Fine. Fine, fine, fine, fine. You wanna know the real skinny? If you want to be good doctors and nurses, you damn-sure better get ready to get in trouble - a lot. Because patients are stupid, and they are really scared. And some of them need you to hold their hands, and you should. Others need you to kick their asses, and you absolutely should do that, too. But, it really all just comes down to whether or not you got the guts to say just exactly what you know in your heart of hearts you really should say.
Dr. Kelso: Sooo, Ted! How is Professor Cox doing?
Ted: Excellent, sir!

J.D.: Janitor. What's that smell?
Janitor: I don't know. Although, it smells a little bit like... the truth!
J.D.: Augh!
Janitor: My poor wife slaved over these!
J.D.: She just cut off a pair of scrubs and hemmed the bottom. What's the big deal?
Janitor: What's the big deal? Well, the Good Lord didn't bless my wife with all ten fingers. She's only got pointer... and... thumb-pinkie.

Turk: Baby, you don't want to do this.
Carla: What?
Turk: Look, since your mother passed, you probably been feeling lonely, and like you don't have any family. But I'm your family now - whether we do it like this, or we wait and do it like you've always wanted to. Don't you think?
Dr. Cox: Holy cow, talk about your gigantic time-wasters.

J.D.: Look, uh... Janitor.. I'm gonna be straight with you: I saw your penis, and I noticed a possible melanoma that you should really have checked out.
Janitor: When did you see my penis?
J.D.: Last night, when you were showering.
Janitor: Where were you?
J.D.: Oh, I was outside, in the bushes.
Janitor: Uhhh...
J.D.: Look, it was just a coincidence, man - I mean, i-i-if you had looked out the window, you'd have seen my penis, you know!
Janitor: What!?! Why?
J.D.: Because I had it out while I was looking at yours!

Scrubs Season 2 Quotes

Dr. Cox: Look, Carla, if you're gonna survive in medicine, you've got to accept the fact that rules are rules. Hey! Anyone from that clinical trial around? Hello? Hello?... Yeah, this lady's supposed to be in this trial.
Orderly: Okay.
Carla: What the hell did you just do?
Dr. Cox: When you speak of this - and I know you will - could I be shirtless? See, I think it would be more impressive if I was shirtless.

Julie: Why does it have to be like this every time I come here? I mean, what is your problem with me?
Dr. Cox: Okay. Well, for starters, everyone here knows that you sell pills, and yet you use phrases like "take orally" and "increases blood flow" way, way too much. I mean, jeepers, Julie, don't you understand you got half the doctors on this staff believing that if they go ahead and join team Plomox, that they got an outside shot of you showing them the cotton inside your bottle? Would you like to know the real dirty, dirty little secret? It's that your drug is so damn good that you guys went ahead and put a six-hundred percent mark-up on it. But, hey, the only ones who get hurt are the sick people, right? And since your company damn-sure doesn't care about them, and you're part of the system, that just means you don't care, either. And that's... pretty much what's making me sick; that's all.
Julie: Well, you can say what you want, Perry. But we both know that you'd love nothing more than to smack this fine ass.