Dr. Kelso: This is completely unacceptable!
Carla: Well, you said find him a room!
Dr. Kelso: Not my office, dammit!
Dr. Cox: He's your gardener, for God's sake!
Dr. Kelso: I could have both of you suspended...
Dr. Cox: You made your own bed, now your underpaid gardener's gotta sleep in it!

Dr. Kelso: I can't even think straight with this incessant whispering. It's like a Spanish golf tournament in here!
Carla: I'm sorry, Dr. Kelso, but I'm trying to get their lunch orders!
Dr. Kelso: Oh, that reminds me. Hector, Enid made you a prosciutto and mozzarella sandwich, but I... uh... well, there was a misunderstanding and now it's gone.

Ted: "Furthermore, if Sacred Heart Elementary for Girls does not change its name posthaste" - I thought that was a nice touch - "legal action will be taken, posthaste." Wait, that's wrong.
Dr. Kelso: Shocker.

Hector(Translated from Spanish): I hope I'm not causing Dr. Kelso any trouble.
Carla(Translated from Spanish): Oh, screw him, he ate your sandwich.
Ted: I forget. Is that "kill him" or "screw him"?
Carla/Hector: "Screw him."
Ted: Awwww.

Elliot: Look, um, that problem I was talking about before... I can't seem to intubate patients anymore. I mean, I used to do that better than anyone here. Now the only thing that sets me apart from the other doctors is that my beeper plays "That's the way, uh-huh, uh-huh, I like it! Mm-hm, mm-hmm!" I don't know what to do.
Dr. Casey: It's just a piece of porcelain! I mean, there's no reason we both shouldn't be able to sit on it!
Elliot: Yeah, um, about my career-ending problem...
Dr. Casey: We must conquer the roof toilet.

J.D.: Cool. I'll see you tomorrow.
Dr. Casey: Uh, actually, no. I got a call - I have to go back to my hospital.
J.D.: Why? Why do you have to do that?
Dr. Casey: Well, look at it this way: Uh, I may be leaving here, but I will always be there. (points at J.D.'s heart)
J.D.: I know.
Dr. Casey: I am so messing with you!

J.D.'s Narration: You know what, it's time to stop feeling sorry for yourself. You're still best man. It's not like Turk's gonna take that away from you.
Turk: J.D., can I talk to you?
J.D.'s Narration: AGH!
Turk: Have you seen Carla around?
J.D.'s Narration: Phew! False alarm.
Turk: 'Cause I need to, uh, talk to you in private? Sort of man to man?
J.D.'s Narration: AGH!
J.D.: I can't right now, Turk. I am completely swamped.
Turk: You're drawing lightning bolts on your Nikes.
J.D.: So I can get to my patients faster.

Janitor: Did you tell anybody about my epiphany toilet?
J.D.: No, why?
Janitor: Where're you coming from?
Ted: Uhhh...
Over the Janitor's shoulder, J.D. shakes his head
Ted: ...No!

J.D.: Dr. Casey! Have you seen Turk?
Dr. Casey: Oh, yeah, nice guy... good surgeon... great dancer.
J.D.: You should see us gettin' down when we try pants on together.
Dr. Casey: Yeah-heh. I have to go.

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