Favorite Seinfeld Quotes

I'm sleeping on a loveseat. I got my feet up in the air like I'm in a space capsule!

Jerry

Jack: Do you think I take everything everybody offers me? You offered me sponge cake yesterday. Did I take it?Morty: You said you didn't want it!Jack: Of course I wanted it! I love sponge cake!Morty: Then who the hell said you couldn't have any? I mean what the hell do I care whether you have sponge cake?Jack: Because I saw the look on your face last week when I took the scotch tape!Morty: Ahh! So you got the scotch tape! I've been looking all over for it!

Jack: What happened to you?Jerry: I got in a fist fight with one of the ladies at the pool.Helen: It's from scuba diving.Jack: What's there to see underwater?

Helen: You're going underwater?Jerry: Yes. Generally that's where scuba diving is done.Helen: What do you have to go underwater for? What's down there that's so special?

Jerry: I liked it. Should I have said I didn't like it?Helen: You shouldn't have said anything. What did you expect him to do?Jerry: He could have said: "Thank you, I like it too" and put it back in his pocket.

Helen: Don't sleep in there. You can you use the bedroom.Elaine: I can't take your bedroom.Helen: I'm up at 6 o'clock in the morning.Elaine: I can't kick you out of your bed.Helen: We don't even sleep.

Hey! It writes upside-down!

Elaine

Why'd you take his pen for?

Helen

Stella!

Elaine
  • Permalink: Stella!
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Elaine: Jerry, do you know what they do to dogs at the pound? They keep them for a week and then if no one claims them, they kill 'em.
Jerry: Really? How late are they open?

(to Ellen) I must've been out of my mind! Look at you. Why don't you do something with your life? You sit around here all day. You contribute nothing to society. You're just taking up space. How could I be with someone like you? I wouldn't respect myself.

Kramer

(on breaking up with his girlfriend) Oh yeah! The sooner the better. I can't wait to do it. You know how there's some people you worry about whether or not you're gonna hurt their feelings? With her, I'm looking forward to it. Boy, I'd like to get it on video. Watch it in slow motion and freeze frame it!

Kramer

Seinfeld Quotes

I swear, I have absolutely no idea what women are thinking. I don't get it, okay? I I I admit, I, I'm not getting the signals. I am not getting it! Women, they're so subtle, their little everything they do is subtle. Men are not subtle, we are obvious. Women know what men want, men know what men want, what do we want? We want women, that's it! It's the only thing we know for sure, it really is. We want women. How do we get them? Oh, we don't know 'bout that, we don't know. The next step after that we have no idea. This is why you see men honking car-horns, yelling from construction sites. These are the best ideas we've had so far. The car-horn honk, is that a beauty? Have you seen men doing this? What is this? The man is in the car, the woman walks by the front of the car, he honks. E-eeehh, eehhh, eehhh! This man is out of ideas. How does it? E-e-e-eeeehhhh! "I don't think she likes me." The amazing thing is, that we still get women, don't we? Men, I mean, men are with women. You see men with women. How are men getting women, many people wonder. Let me tell you a little bit about our organization. Wherever women are, we have a man working on the situation right now. Now, he may not be our best man, okay, we have a lot of areas to cover, but someone from our staff is on the scene. That's why, I think, men get frustrated, when we see women reading articles, like "Where to meet men?" We're here, we are everywhere. We're honking our horns to serve you better.

Jerry

Let's face it, a date is a job interview that lasts all night. The difference between a date and job interview is not many interviews is there a chance you'll end up naked at the end.

Jerry

Seinfeld

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