George: You bought non-refundable tickets, you idiot!
Kramer: She talked me in to it. She said it was the best deal.

(stuck in traffic) How does it look on your side? (George just stares at him angrily) We'll get there.


Tia: Excuse me; I think you're in my seat.
Jerry: Oh, sorry. My mistake. (to himself) Thank you!

George: They're not here! You cost me fifty bucks!
Kramer: Look at you! You run like a girl! Run like a man! Lift your knees!

Tia: So, he says, "squeeze your breasts together," and I say, "I thought this was an ad for shoes." (Tia and Jerry both laugh)
Jerry: Oh my

Jerry: Tia, did you see all the flowers in that bathroom? It's like an English garden in there.
Attendant: They're gardenias, mostly.
Jerry: I thought I smelled lilac.
Attendant: Yes, there are a few of those, too.
Tia: It's almost overwhelming.

She's driving me crazy, I can't eat, I can't sleep, I'm here, I'm climbing the walls. Meanwhile I'm in this contest, I'm datin' a virgin, SOMETHING'S GOT TO GIVE!


(after learning that Elaine is out of the "contest")
George: You caved?!
Jerry: It's over?!
George: You're out?!
Jerry: Oh my God, the Queen is dead!

(on Kramer's chance of winning the contest) You'll be out before the check comes!


George: What are you doing tonight?
Jerry: Date with Marla.
George: Oh, the virgin? Any progress there, what's the latest?
Jerry: Well, I've got my troops amassed along the border. I'm just waiting for someone to give me the go-ahead.

Jerry: What's the matter?
George: My mother caught me.
Jerry: Caught you? Doing what?
George: You know. (All three give him blank stares) I was alone
Elaine: You mean..?!
George: (Nods) Uh-huh.
Kramer: (laughing) She caught you?

Jerry: But the question is, are you still master of your domain?
Elaine: I'm queen of the castle.

Seinfeld Quotes

George: I like sports. I could do something in sports.
Jerry: Uh-huh. Uh-huh. In what capacity?
George: You know, like the general manager of a baseball team or something.
Jerry: Yeah. Well, that - that could be tough to get.
George: Well, it doesn't even have to be the general manager. Maybe I could be like, an announcer. Like a colour man. You know how I always make those interesting comments during the game.
Jerry: Yeah. Yeah. You make good comments.
George: What about that?
Jerry: Well, they tend to give those jobs to ex-ballplayers and people that are, you know, in broadcasting.
George: Well, that's really not fair.
Jerry: I know. Well, okay. Okay. What else do you like?
George: Movies. I like to watch movies.
Jerry: Yeah. Yeah.
George: Do they pay people to watch movies?
Jerry: Projectionists.
George: That's true.
Jerry: But you gotta know how to work the projector.
George: Right.
Jerry: And it's probably a union thing.
George: (scoffs) Those unions. (sighs) Okay. Sports, movies what about a talk show host?
Jerry: Talk show host. That's good.
George: I think I'd be good at that. I talk to people all the time. Someone even told me once they thought I'd be a good talk show host.
Jerry: Really?
George: Yeah. A couple of people. I don't get that, though. Where do you start?
Jerry: Well, that's where it gets tricky.
George: You can't just walk into a building and say "I wanna be a talk show host".
Jerry: I wouldn't think so.
George: It's all politics.
Jerry: All right, okay. Sports, movies, talk show host. What else?
George: This could have been a huge mistake.
Jerry: Well, it doesn't sound like you completely thought this through.

George: Why don't they have salsa on the table?
Jerry: What do you need salsa for?
George: Salsa is now the number one condiment in America.
Jerry: You know why? Because people like to say "salsa." "Excuse me, do you have any salsa?" We need more salsa." "Where's the salsa? No salsa?"
George: You know, it must be impossible for a Spanish person to order seltzer and not get salsa. "I wanted seltzer, not salsa!"
Jerry: "Don't you know the difference between seltzer and salsa?! You have the seltzer after the salsa!"