Seinfeld

Seinfeld Season 1 Quotes

Season 1 Episode 5: "The Stock Tip"

George: ...a robot butcher.
 • Rating: Unrated

Elaine: What do you think a hit man would charge to rub out a couple of cats?
Jerry: Well, it couldn't be too expensive. $13, $14 a cat?
Elaine: You want to make $28?
 • Rating: Unrated

Vanessa: I said the market fluctuates. Remember?
Jerry: Look, Vanessa, of course the market fluctuates. Everybody knows that. I just got fluctuated out of four thousand dollars!
 • Rating: Unrated

Jerry: I think Superman probably has a very good sense of humor.
George: I never heard him say anything really funny.
Jerry: But it's common sense. He's got super strength, super speed I'm sure he's got super humor.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Dry Cleaner: (to Jerry) May I help you?
Jerry: Yeah. I picked up this shirt here yesterday. It's completely shrunk. There's absolutely no way I can wear it.
Dry Cleaner: When did you bring it in?
Jerry: What's the difference? Look at it! Do you see the size of this shirt?
Dry Cleaner: You got a receipt?
Jerry: I can't find the receipt.
Dry Cleaner: You should get the receipt.
Jerry: Look, forget about the receipt, all right? Even if I had the receipt- look at it! It's a hand puppet. What am I gonna do with this?
Dry Cleaner: Yes, but how do I know we did the shirt?
Jerry: What do you think this is a little scam I have? I take this tiny shirt all over the city conning dry cleaners out of money? In fact, forget the money. I don't even want the money. Just once, I would like to hear a dry cleaner admit that something was their fault. That's what I want. I want an admission of guilt.
Dry Cleaner: Maybe you asked for it to be washed.
Jerry: No! Dry-cleaned!
Dry Cleaner: Let me explain to you something, okay? With certain types of fabrics, different chemicals can react, causing --
Jerry: You shrunk it! You know you shrunk it! Just tell me that you shrunk it!
Dry Cleaner: (looks around making sure not too many people are listening) I shrunk it.
 • Rating: Unrated

Elaine: What evidence is there that cats are so smart anyway? What do they do? Because they're clean? I'm sorry. My uncle Pete showers four times a day and he can't count to 10 so don't give me hygiene.
 • Rating: Unrated

Season 1 Episode 4: "Male Unbonding"

George: You can't have people shoving their arms into a 600 degree oven.
Kramer: It's all supervised!
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Jerry: Listen, Joel. I don't think we should see each other anymore.
 • Rating: Unrated

Jerry: How can you talk to someone like that?
Joel: What are you saying? What, you like turkey roll?
 • Rating: Unrated

Jerry: (to Joel) It's not you, it's me!
 • Rating: Unrated

George: She calls me up at my office, she says, 'We have to talk.'
Jerry: Uch, the four worst words in the English language.
George: That, or 'Whose bra is this?'
 • Rating: Unrated

George: I know a guy who took a vacation on his change.
Jerry: Yeah, Where'd he go, an arcade?
 • Rating: Unrated

Jerry: I'm really running out of excuses with this guy. I need some sort of "excuse Rolodex."
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Jerry: I was ten... I would've been friends with Stalin if he had a Ping-Pong table.
 • Rating: Unrated

Jerry: Most men like working on things. Tools, objects, fixing things. This is what men enjoy doing. Have you ever noticed a guy's out in his driveway working on something with tools, how all the other men in the neighborhood are magnetically drawn to this activity. They just come wandering out of the house like zombies. Men, it's true, men hear a drill, it's like a dog whistle. Just (his head perks up) you know, they go running up to that living room curtain, "Honey, I think Jim's working on something over there." So they run over to the guy. Now they don't actually help the guy. No, they just want to hang around the area where work is being done. That's what men want to do. We want to watch the guy, we want to talk to him, we want to ask him dumb questions. You know, "What are you using, a Phillips-head?" You know, we feel involved. That's why when they have construction sites; they have to have those wood panel fences around it, that's just to keep the men out. They cut those little holes for us so we can see what the hell is going on. But if they don't cut those holes, we are climbing those fences. Right over there. "What are you using the steel girders down there? Yeah, that'll hold."
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

George: Can you change this (penny jug) into bills?
Bank Teller: I'm sorry sir, we can't do that.
George: Look, they did this for me before!
Bank Teller: Look, I can give you these (penny rolls) and you can roll them yourself.
George: You want me to roll 6,000 of these?! What should I quit my job?!
 • Rating: Unrated

Jerry: (on George's fanny pack) Looks like your belt is digesting a small animal.
 • Rating: Unrated

George: Why did I tell her I like her? I have this sick compulsion to tell women how I feel.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Elaine: Come on. Let's go do something. I don't want to just sit around here. Wanna get something to eat?
Jerry: Where?
Elaine: I don't care. I'm not hungry.
Jerry: We could go to one of those cappuccino places. They let you just sit there.
Elaine: What are we gonna do there, talk?
Jerry: We can talk.
Elaine: I'll go if I don't have to talk.
Jerry: Then we'll just sit there.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Jerry: I do not like the bank. I've heard the expression "Laughing all the way to the bank." I have never seen anyone actually doing it. And those bank lines. I hate it when there's nobody on the line at all, you know that part, you go to the bank, it's empty and you still have to go through the little maze. "Can you get a little piece of cheese for me? I'm almost at the front. I'd like a reward for this please."
 • Rating: Unrated

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