(to Jerry about Ray) Remember, don't take any crap.


Just make love to that wall pervert.


Ray: Hey, hey, are you a cop?
Kramer: Yeah, I'm a cop, I'm a good cop, I'M A DAMN GOOD COP!

Jerry: Hey, you know, you owe me one.
George: What?
Jerry: The Ink-A-Dink. You were "It"!
George: "It"'s bad?
Jerry: "It's" very bad!

Jerry: My mother. (chuckling) She forgot how to make French toast. You know how mothers are.
Rava: My mother left us when I was six years old--all seven of us. We never heard from her again. I hope she's rotting in an alley somewhere.
Jerry: My mom's down in Florida.

George: There's just no justice. This experience has changed me! It's made me more cynical, more bitter, more jaded!
Jerry: Really?
George: Sure, why not

Jerry: Well, perhaps we can take comfort in the knowledge that in the next world, Ray will be the recipient of a much larger and more harsh brand of justice.
George: Yeah, he'll have my parents.

Kramer: (shouting) And today's your lucky day, junior. Because I'm gonna let you off with just a warning! Any more of this criminal activity and you'll be sorry! You got me?
Ray: Got you? I don't know what the hell you're talking about!
Kramer: (slightly nervous) Good, good. Let's, uh, keep it that way.

Man on Elevator: Will you put that cigarette out?!Rava: Maybe I put it out on your face!

Greetings, greetings and salutations! I beg your forgiveness, my tardiness was unavoidable. And you must be Jerry, Lord of the manor. My Liege, a pleasure to serve you. Your palace shall sparkle like the stars in the heaven upon your safe arrival, Sire.


When I was ten years old, my parents had this very same statue on the mantle of our apartment. Exactly, and, one day, I grabbed it, and I was using it as a microphone. I was singing, "MacArthur Park", and I got to the part about, "I'll never have that recipe again," and it slipped out of my hand and it broke. My parents looked at me like I smashed the Ten Commandments. To this day, they bring it up. It was the single most damaging experience in my life, aside from seeing my father naked.


George: Students can't clean. It's anathema. (explaining) They don't like it.
Jerry: How long have you been waiting to squeeze that into a conversation?

Seinfeld Season 2 Quotes

George: I like sports. I could do something in sports.
Jerry: Uh-huh. Uh-huh. In what capacity?
George: You know, like the general manager of a baseball team or something.
Jerry: Yeah. Well, that - that could be tough to get.
George: Well, it doesn't even have to be the general manager. Maybe I could be like, an announcer. Like a colour man. You know how I always make those interesting comments during the game.
Jerry: Yeah. Yeah. You make good comments.
George: What about that?
Jerry: Well, they tend to give those jobs to ex-ballplayers and people that are, you know, in broadcasting.
George: Well, that's really not fair.
Jerry: I know. Well, okay. Okay. What else do you like?
George: Movies. I like to watch movies.
Jerry: Yeah. Yeah.
George: Do they pay people to watch movies?
Jerry: Projectionists.
George: That's true.
Jerry: But you gotta know how to work the projector.
George: Right.
Jerry: And it's probably a union thing.
George: (scoffs) Those unions. (sighs) Okay. Sports, movies what about a talk show host?
Jerry: Talk show host. That's good.
George: I think I'd be good at that. I talk to people all the time. Someone even told me once they thought I'd be a good talk show host.
Jerry: Really?
George: Yeah. A couple of people. I don't get that, though. Where do you start?
Jerry: Well, that's where it gets tricky.
George: You can't just walk into a building and say "I wanna be a talk show host".
Jerry: I wouldn't think so.
George: It's all politics.
Jerry: All right, okay. Sports, movies, talk show host. What else?
George: This could have been a huge mistake.
Jerry: Well, it doesn't sound like you completely thought this through.

(George, Jerry and Elaine are sitting at a table. Jerry and George are wearing baseball uniforms.)
George: Who gets picked off in softball? It's unheard of.
Jerry: It's never happened to me before.
Elaine: I remember saying to myself, "Why is Jerry so far off the base?"
Jerry: I'll have to live with this shame for the rest of my life.
(George consults his stat sheet of the game)
George: And then in the fifth inning, why did you take off on the pop fly?
Jerry: I thought there were two outs.
Elaine: I couldn't believe it when I saw you running. (laughing) I thought maybe they had changed the rules or something.
Jerry: It was the single worst moment of my life.
George: What about Sharon Besser?
Jerry: Oh, well, of course. Nineteen seventy three.
Elaine: Makes you wonder, though, doesn't it?
Jerry: Wonder about what?
Elaine: You know (looking up) the spirit world.
Jerry: You think Manya showed up during the game and put a hex on me?
Elaine: I never saw anyone play like that.
Jerry: But I went to the funeral.
Elaine: Yeah, but that doesn't make up for killing her.
George: Maybe Manya missed the funeral because she was off visiting another galaxy that day.
Jerry: Don't you think she would've heard I was there?
George: Not necessarily.
Jerry: Who figures an immigrant's gonna have a pony?
(Elaine laughs)