South Park
Wednesdays 10:00 PM on Comedy CentralSouth Park Season 5 Episode 14: "Butters' Very Own Episode" Quotes
Chorus: Everyone know it's Butters!
Butters: Well that's me!
(After being thrown out by the truck driver) He must like TGI Fridays.
I have to get to South Park. If you give me a ride I can pay you the four dollars I made at the titty bar.
Too bad you're not a broad because I need some goddamn poontang.
Trucker
Chris: Sometimes telling a little white lie is okay. Like when you catch your dad jacking off in a gay men's bathhouse.
Butters: Who's Jack?
Butters was missing?
Stan
MustpaintcleanpaintpaintmustkillButtersclean.
Linda
Stan: Wow, your dad's a perv and your mom tried to kill you.
Butters: Yeah, you guys sure are gonna rip on me at school.
Cartman: We sure are.
Butters: Yeah, but as soon as we get to Bennigan's and I get my mozzarella burger I'll forget all about my dad being queer and my mom trying to kill me.
Stan: Really?
Butters: No, I'm lying.
Chris Stotch: You see, I've learned something today, and it took the knowledge of my young son here for me to realize it. Recently I'd been lying to my wife; I've been going to gay theaters and bath houses and having sex with anonymous men.
Butters: What?
Cartman: Whoa!
Linda: And when I found out about this I went crazy and I drove my son into the lake, I drove my son into the lake to kill him.
Butters: WHAT!
Chris: You see, we'd both been lying to all of you. And I know though many of you supported us, some of you also doubted us. You'd look at me and you'd say "Hello" but really you'd be thinking
(camera pan's to Gary Condit)
Liar! You're a liar! You know something you're not telling us you slimy scumbag liar! Or you be talking to my wife but secretly you'd be thinking
(camera pans to OJ)
MURDER! You got away with murder you stinking scumbag liar!
And that's what people would be thinking, or sometimes people would be talking with both of us and they would think
(camera pans to the Ramsey's)
MURDERER'S! You know goddamn well what happened to your kid so stop playing the victim and just confess you lying murdering liars!
(camera pans back to OJ)
MURDERER!
(back to Gary Condit) LIAR!
(back to the Ramseys) CONFESS!
(camera pans over all of them) MURDERER, LIAR, CONFESS!
So the people we owe the biggest apology to is OJ, Jon and Pat Ramsey and Senator Gary Condit, because we gave them false hope of catching who ever hurt them this badly, and that's not right. We're sorry. And that's what people would be thinking. So who we really owe the biggest apology for is to OJ, Jon and Pat Ramsey and Senator Gary Condit, because we gave you false hope.
Linda: Well, did you see what he got me for our anniversary?
Butters: Well first, he went to see a movie.
Linda: A movie? Hmm, I wonder why he'd wanna see a movie by himself.
Butters: I don't know. But it wasn't the movie theater at the mall. No, it was that, really old theater downtown. The Studcat. I didn't know it was open.
Linda: Wait a minute. What was the movie called?
Butters: Fisting Firemen 9. I've never seen 1 through 8.
Linda: Oh my God!
Butters: Uh, but it must have been a real short movie, though, because Dad came out, like, ten minutes later. And it must have been a sad film, too, because, he had a bunch of tissue paper with him when he came out. Poor old Dad, the movie really got to him.
Linda: Butters, where did Daddy go after the movie?
Butters: To the gym.
Linda Stotch: To the gym.
Butters: Yeah. The White Swallow Spa. (Linda screams) Yep. He went in there and wrestled with all kinds of guys. He wasn't too good, though. This one black guy had him pinned down for fifteen minutes straight!
Linda: Butters! Are you sure about this, you have to be absolutely sure.
Butters: Inspector Butters gets all the facts. I even got some neat-o pictures. (Linda looks at the pictures) The only thing I can't figure out is why dad told you he was going shopping for your present, when he was going out seeing movies and wrestling. (Linda collapses) Oh did you have a nice trip mom? See you next fall! (laughs) Mom?
One of us, one of us gooble gobble, gooble gobble.
The Ramseys, OJ, and Gary Condit
Reporter 1: Mrs. Stotch, what did the kidnapper look like?
Linda: Puerto Rican.
Repoter 2: Was he tall, short?
Linda: He was... average Puerto Rican height.
