Oh, you must be Flanders' new dog. I just want to apologize in advance for the things I'm gonna blame on you.

Homer

Marge: I'm not giving up on Bart, just like I didn't give up on our marriage when you quit your job to start the North American Sumo League.
Homer: The NASL would have made money if someone had washed a few sumo loin cloths for me.
Marge: I said I would do yours, but not the whole dojo.

Chief Wiggum: I've got everything I need to convict your boy, except for motive, means, and opportunity.
Lou: You also have no evidence.
Chief Wiggum: That's implied.

Lisa: I'm not sure how many more times we can watch dad chased down by an angry crowd before it affects us psychologically.
Dr. Schulman: As a family therapist, I can assure you that you have all the coping skills you need.
Marge: Why is Lisa talking to an empty seat?
Lisa: See you next Tuesday Dr. Schulman! Oh right, you're in Maui.

I will do something no one has ever done, be fun sober!

Homer

Mr. Duff: Why don't you kids run off and play in the bottle cap pit.
Marge: Don't cut yourselves!

These reality shows really leave you no privacy.

Marge

Relax Marge, if God lets the Jews have Sunday on a Saturday, he'll be cool with this.

Reverend Lovejoy

But it's not on the calendar? Okay, but if I'm sleepy at work tomorrow I get to tell everyone why.

Homer

I can't believe it, but the church is going to have to ask people for money.

Marge

Oh God gets your prayers, but he just clicks delete without reading them, like email updates from LinkedIn.

Homer

Princess Kemi: So, all these concubines belong to this one tyrant?
Homer: It's called The Bachelor.

The Simpsons Quotes

Sir, I got carsick in your office.

Ralph

Mr. Burns: (reading Homer's letter) "Dear Mr. Burns. I'm so glad you enjoyed my son's blood, and your card was just great." Why Simpson, you've made my day, you're a true gentlemen.
Homer: Well I-
Mr. Burns: Hello, there's more. (continues reading) "In case you can't tell, I'm being sarcastic. You stink! You are a senile bucktoothed old mummy with bony girl arms and you smell like an elephant's butt!"