The Simpsons

The Simpsons Quotes (Page 3)

Season 24 Episode 11: "Changing of the Guardian"

Bart: All you need to know is that I'm a politeness monster who eats "pleases" and farts "thank yous", ma'am.
Lisa: I'm exactly the kind of kid he's pretending to be.
 • Rating: Unrated

Marge: I think I hear a slight accent.
Woman: Mid-Atlantic.
Marge: *gasp* That's where they filmed The Wire! Step on it!
 • Rating: 3.0 / 5.0

Homer: What women really want is a guy who's confident enough to go completely downhill after marriage and know she'll still love him.
 • Rating: 3.0 / 5.0

Cletus: Anything new that wanders into this house ends up in the stew pot.
 • Rating: Unrated

Season 24 Episode 10: "A Test Before Trying"

Bart: Looks like Mr. Vanilla just grew some chocolate chips.
Seymour: Save your analogies for the analogy portion of the exam.
 • Rating: Unrated

Lisa: All my extra credit points are like frequentflier miles on a bankrupt airline.
 • Rating: Unrated

Chalmers: I hate waiting. That's why I hate risotto.
Skinner: Even mushroom risotto?
Chalmers: What do you think?!?
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Lunchlady (on being accused of murdering her husband): Never convicted. They couldn't find the body. Anyone care for some chicken-pete-pie?
 • Rating: Unrated

Homer: When I found out shrimp cocktails had no alcohol, I really lost interest.
 • Rating: 3.0 / 5.0

Season 24 Episode 9: "Homer Goes to Prep School"

Homer: Listen, I gotta know. You're not just being nice to me because, in a pinch, you could make candles from my fat.
Lloyd: Well, that is a big part of it.
Homer: It's okay. I know what I am.
 • Rating: Unrated

Homer: Do not question the wisdom of Tom Skerritt.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Moe: Well, Homer's gone. Let's all go into our suspended state til he gets back.
 • Rating: Unrated

Homer: If Jesus had a gun, he'd be alive today.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Homer: Marge, this is it. TEOTWAWKI.
Marge: The end of the world as we know it?!?
 • Rating: Unrated

Homer: I guess despite all our so-called civilization, anarchy lurks around every corner like a racially diverse street gang on a network cop show.
 • Rating: Unrated

Bart: Dad, what would you do if you got my ear in the mail?
Homer: I don't know; feed it to the dog.
Bart: You'd have to wrap cheese around it.
Homer: Don't you tell me how to feed you to the dog!
 • Rating: Unrated

Season 24 Episode 8: "To Cur With Love"

Burns: I insist you never wear shoes or a proper necktie again. Just house slippers and the most humiliating tie there is - bolo.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Herman: God closes a door, he opens a gunshop.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Homer: Well, that's just how dogs are. The most disloyal, unfaithful creatures god ever made.
 • Rating: Unrated

Grampa: Unfortunately, like all true stories, this one has a crappy ending.
Bart: You have a story with an ending.
 • Rating: Unrated

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