Oh man! It's like the chemicals cut one!


Lisa: What if Santa's Little Helper stops being a police dog, then he can get a non-violent job like barking songs on novelty Christmas records. You can do it, boy!
(Santa's Little Helper's barks 'The Dreidel Song')
Lisa: No, boy, that's Hannukah!

Judge Snyder: You stand accused of giving hope to scrawny young men. How do you plead?
Snake: Guilty of being innocent!
(Crowd laughs, Santa's Little Helper growls)

Bart: Hey Lis, wanna touch Strangles? He's not slimy at all, he's scaly.
Lisa: (After touching the snake) Eww! He is slimy!
Bart: That's because I soaked him in slime!

Homer: There sure is a lot of corn in this parking lot.
Lisa: Dad, we're in the MAZE!

D'oh! Why do things that happen to stupid people keep happening to me?


Farmer: Wagon wheels were the Internet of the 19th century!
Bart: Really?
Farmer: No.

I miss Santa's Little Helper. I wanted him to be a police dog, but now he has no time for me. I even have to eat my own homework.


You look like you're trying to eat me. Need some help?

Microsoft Paper Clip

Marge: I'm sorry, Maggie, but growing up means giving up the things you love.
Grampa: It's true. I had to give up everything but raisins, and the doctor says even those are killing me. Sweet, plump coffin nails they are.

We're not thieves. We're scavengers. Like the beautiful vulture, or the heroic tapeworm, or America's sweetheart, the maggot.


Why am I sleeping when right next door is every kid's dream - - a fat, suggestible, zombie dad?


The Simpsons Season 18 Quotes

(In "Married to the Blob," a meteorite crashes in the Simpson family back yard and splits open, revealing a glowing green goo.)
Homer: Whoo! A space marshmallow!
(Homer plucks the goo with a stick and tries to eat the goo, which keeps trying to avoid Homer's mouth.)
Homer: Uh? Where do you think you're going?
Lisa: Dad, no! It could teach us the secret of interstellar travel.
Homer: If he's so smart, how come he can't stay out of my mouth?
(The goo struggles in Homer's mouth before finally being swallowed.)
Marge: How could you eat that goo? You don't know what galaxy it's from.
Homer: Marge, I ate it. It's over.
(The goo tries to seep out of Homer's nose.)
Homer: Whoa! Oh, no, you don't!
(A determined Homer repeatedly snorts the goo back into his nose.)
Homer: If I can keep down Arby's, I can keep down you!

(During the opening credits, Mr. Burns acts as the Crypt Keeper from Tales from the Crypt.)
Mr. Burns: Hello, boils and ghouls. I am the crypt-keeper, or should I say master of scary-i-monies? (Laughs)
(Smithers interrupts Mr. Burn's opening speech.)
Smithers: (Laughs) Priceless sir, you made the word ceremonies frightening.
Mr. Burns: I know what I did. Urghh.