The Simpsons

The Simpsons Season 18 Quotes (Page 4)

Season 18 Episode 19: "Crook and Ladder"

Homer: Moe, can we talk?
Moe: Are you crazy? It's 500 degrees in here! (Checks thermometer) Oh no wait, it's only 495. What's on your mind?
 • Rating: Unrated

Apu and Moe: (bowing to Homer) King of thieves, we worship you!
 • Rating: Unrated

Marge: Just come back alive, okay?
Homer: Don't tell me how to do my job!
 • Rating: Unrated

Homer: Look at me, guys! I'm stealing five Segways at once. And speaking of segue ways, I'm off to my next morally questionable activity.
 • Rating: Unrated

Homer: We're not thieves. We're scavengers. Like the beautiful vulture, or the heroic tapeworm, or America's sweetheart, the maggot.
 • Rating: Unrated

Marge: I'm sorry, Maggie, but growing up means giving up the things you love.
Grampa: It's true. I had to give up everything but raisins, and the doctor says even those are killing me. Sweet, plump coffin nails they are.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Season 18 Episode 18: "The Boys of Bummer"

Milhouse: I got it! I got it!
Bart: (catching the ball) I hogged it! I hogged it!
 • Rating: Unrated

Announcer: Simpson drops the ball. And he kicks it. And kicks it again. It's horrible, but you can't take your eyes away. It's like watching a monkey swallow a hand grenade.
 • Rating: Unrated

LaBoot: Bart? Are you Bart Simpson? The kid who dropped that easy fly ball? You stink like a Dutchman's throwup!
 • Rating: Unrated

Reverend Lovejoy: (to Helen) You put on the Michael Bolton CD, I'll put on my edible vestments!
 • Rating: Unrated

Marge: You really want to make love on half a mattress behind a billboard?
Homer: It's like our honeymoon all over again! Aw, we even have the same bum looking at us.
Bum: I knew you kids would make it! (poking Homer's stomach) Man, you got fat.
 • Rating: Unrated

Ghost Homer: You want to have ghost sex?
Ghost Marge: I keep telling you, ghost sex is nothing! It's worse than nothing!
Ghost Homer: Then why were you moaning last time?
Ghost Marge: Because I'm a GHOST! Whooooo!
Ghost Homer: Aahhh! A ghost!
 • Rating: 3.0 / 5.0

Announcer: Now ladies and gentlemen, if you look just over left-field wall, the real show is about to begin, the sunrise! Brought to you by God. The invisible giant you turn to when you're about to die.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Lisa: Bart, come with me. I'll take you to someone who will make you feel better.
Bart: Is it my rabbit, Cottontail? The one who went to live upstate?
Lisa: He died, Bart. Dad buried him in the backyard. But not in that order.
 • Rating: Unrated

Homer: The Lovejoys? If this is about me drinking that holy water, lemme tell you, I had had, like, a million Doritos. You know the ones with the flame on the bag? Oho, that bag ain't lyin'.
 • Rating: Unrated

(Homer and Marge are having difficulty "snuggling")
Homer: Something has changed, but I can't figure out what. (gasps) Our mattress! I traded it to the Lovejoys!
Marge: You traded our mattress? I had my secret cash in it!
Homer: Oh, that's long gone, baby, long gone. (shows her a bling necklace with "Mattress $$$" spelled out in gold and diamonds) It was made for Elvis, but he found it tacky.
 • Rating: Unrated

Coach: Let me get this straight. You want our boys to play a fake rematch against Springfield so your son can make the catch he missed and feel better about himself?
Marge: Exactly!
Coach: I guess I could, if you pretend to be my fiance when my mother comes to visit.
Marge: Okay, if you pretend to be our chauffeur at my high-school reunion.
Coach: Fine, fine, if you pretend to be a ghost in an old amusement park I'm trying to buy.
Marge: We should stop now.
Coach: Yeah.
 • Rating: Unrated

Marge: Reverend Lovejoy, our marriage needs this bed!
Helen Lovejoy: Our marriage needs it more!
Rev. Lovejoy: Well, I am reminded of the story of wise King Solomon.
Homer: Pfft. You would be.
 • Rating: Unrated

Reverend Lovejoy: I have a friend, I mean, a friend of a friend...
Homer: (Very loudly) Sex problem, eh?
 • Rating: Unrated

Homer: Look, we're just gonna take our mattress, do a quick sweep of the medicine chest and we're outta here. (Does a sneaking effect sound of a high-hat cymbal.)
Marge: Homer!
Homer: (Stops hi-hat effect) Sorry.
 • Rating: Unrated

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