Insurance Guy: Any valuables in the house?
Homer: Well, the Picasso, my collection of classic cars--
Insurance Guy: Sorry, this policy only covers actual losses, not made-up stuff.
Homer: Well that's just great!

• Permalink: Any valuables in the house? Well, the Picasso, my collection o...
• Added: February 24, 2010

You bet your sweet...(looks around)...ass! Heh, heh, heh!

Homer

• Permalink: You bet your sweet......ass! Heh, heh, heh!
• Added: February 24, 2010

Reverend Lovejoy: Homer, you remember Matthew 21-27, "The Foolish man who built his house on sand".
Homer: And you remember Matthew...21-17?
Reverend Lovejoy: And he left them, and went out of the city into Bethany; and he lodged there?
Homer: Yeah...(regains confidence) think about it.

• Permalink: Homer, you remember Matthew 21-27, The Foolish man who built his...
• Added: February 24, 2010

Homer: God, I gotta ask you something. What's the meaning of life?
God: Homer, I can't tell you that.
Homer: C'mon!
God: You'll find out when you die.
Homer: I can't wait that long!
God: You can't wait six months?

• Permalink: God, I gotta ask you something. What's the meaning of life? Ho...
• Added: February 24, 2010

Apu: You are on your honor not to steal anything.
Kearny: (lying and eating a box of cereal) Oh we won't.
Apu looks at them for a moment and then puts a little boy on the counter.
Apu: Little Jamshed, the store is in your hands.
Little Jamshed: Oh, how I have waited for this day. (whips out a shot gun and cocks it.)
Kearny's shocked as his mouth hangs open and he drops the box of cereal.

• Permalink: You are on your honor not to steal anything. Oh we won't. Ap...
• Added: February 24, 2010

Boy, everyone is stupid except me.

Homer

• Permalink: Boy, everyone is stupid except me.
• Added: February 24, 2010

Bart: Hey, where's Homer?
Marge: Your father is... resting.
Bart: Resting "hung over," resting "got fired," come on, help me out here!

• Permalink: Hey, where's Homer? Your father is... resting. Resting hung ...
• Added: February 24, 2010

Ned: Homer, God didn't set your house on fire.
Reverend Lovejoy: No, but He was working in the hearts of your friends and
neighbors when they came to your aid, be they Christian (Ned), Jew (Krusty), or ... miscellaneous (Apu).
Apu: Hindu! There are 700 million of us.
Reverend Lovejoy: Aw, that's super.

• Permalink: Homer, God didn't set your house on fire. No, but He was worki...
• Added: February 24, 2010

(To Homer) Now if you'll excuse me, I have to appear on a tortilla in Mexico.

God

• Permalink: Now if you'll excuse me, I have to appear on a tortilla in Mexic...
• Added: February 24, 2010

Hello! I am Llewellyn Sinclair. I've directed three plays in my career and I've had three heart attacks. That's how much I care, I'm planning for a fourth.

Lou

• Permalink: Hello! I am Llewellyn Sinclair. I've directed three plays in my ...
• Added: February 24, 2010

Bart: Are there any Jive-Talking Robots in this play?
Marge: Um, I don't think so.
Homer: Bart, don't ask stupid questions... Is there any frontal nudity?
Marge: No, Homer!

• Permalink: Are there any Jive-Talking Robots in this play? Um, I don't th...
• Added: February 24, 2010

Ms. Sinclair: Mrs. Simpson, do you know what a baby is saying when she reaches for her bottle?
Marge:....Baba?
Ms. Sinclair: She's saying "I am a leech".

• Permalink: Mrs. Simpson, do you know what a baby is saying when she reaches...
• Added: February 24, 2010