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Two-and-a-half-men

Jake: Bing Crosby. Black guy with a sweater who used to have a TV show.
Eldridge: No dumb ass, that was Will Smith.

Charlie: I think she punched my right nut into my ribcage.
Evelyn: Poor baby. Want me to take a look?
Charlie: No thanks.
Evelyn: I have seen them before. I'd imagine they're hanging a lot lower now.
Charlie: Right back at you mom.
Evelyn: Touche, darling.

Evelyn: Desperate?
Charlie: Like a gold fish in the leaky bag.

No coming clean. Unless you're banging Mr. Bubbles.

Charlie

Alan: The man who was asked to leave Bangkok for moral turpitude finds this distasteful?
Charlie: That was a misunderstanding. I had no idea it was an endangered species.
Alan: Nothing I'm doing requires a ten day quarantine and a series of rabies shots.

Berta: End of era, huh charlie?
Charlie: Yep. From now on, no brother, no nephew. Just the sounds of the ocean punctuated by the soft voices of prostitutes lying about the enormity of my sexual organ.
Berta: You do know how to paint a picture
Charlie: What can I say, i have the heart of a poet.
Berta: Unfortunately the rest of you is a drunken scumbag

Charlie may be prickly and crusty on the outside, but inside he's all soft and gooey,.. kind of like a pudding-filled cactus.

Alan

Alan: It was just a one time thing. Actually a two time thing, once was in the shower.
Charlie: Well that is where you've been practicing.

Displaying all 8 quotes

Two and a Half Men Season 8 Episode 3 Quotes

Charlie may be prickly and crusty on the outside, but inside he's all soft and gooey,.. kind of like a pudding-filled cactus.

Alan

Alan: It was just a one time thing. Actually a two time thing, once was in the shower.
Charlie: Well that is where you've been practicing.

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