Thursdays 8:30 PM on CBS
Two-and-a-half-men

So... in addition to my house, half my money, and my self-esteem, Judith got custody of all my friends

Alan

Alan: Wait a minute, you don't consider me a friend?
Charlie: It's not up to me. A friend is someone you choose, a brother is someone you get...
Alan: Excuse me?
Charlie: There's no choice involved! Your dad just wakes you up in the middle of the night and says, "Your mom wasn't really fat and this isn't your room anymore."

Charlie: I'm just having some friends over to... smoke cigars, sample some fine single-malt Scotch, and, you know, talk.
Alan: I enjoy all those things. But Scotch makes me a little gassy, but I'll take a Beano and I'm good to go.

Back off, Mary Poppins

Sean Penn [to Alan]
Displaying all 4 quotes