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Alan: Charlie, I want Jake to follow the rules, so I need you to be my eyes and my ears.
Charlie: Ok, I need you to be my liver and my prostate

Jake: Why do you hate your mother?
Charlie: I'll tell you all about that when you're old enough to drink

Charlie: What did I tell you about leaving juice boxes on my piano?
Jake: How do you know it was me?
Charlie: Oh, come on, who else around here drinks Transylvania Goofy Juice?
Jake: Good point

Alan: Got to run to the grocery store. I'm gonna need somebody to fold these clothes.
Charlie: I don't know if the grocery store is the first place I'd go for that, but good luck

Alan: This sock is soaking wet.
Charlie: Yeah, I chipped into the water hazard on the ninth, and the lid was open.
Alan: So this is toilet water?
Charlie: At least

Charlie: What'd you get busted for?
Jake: I painted my room at Mom's house.
Charlie: What's wrong with that?
Jake: I'm ten years old

Alan: All right, I put Jake to bed, I folded the laundry, I put the groceries away...
Charlie: The guilt thing doesn't work on me, Alan.
Alan: Yeah, well, it's all I got

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