Thursdays 8:30 PM on CBS

Charlie: You didn't have to go to the bathroom! You were just trying to stick me with the check!
Alan: Oh, oh, I see, so you know my bowels better than I do!
Charlie: I will when I pull them out through your nostrils.

Who will 'Old Alan' be able to count on? Certainly not Jake, 'cause let's face it, his best hope of a steady income is if missing the toilet becomes a professional sport


I can't believe I missed out on a sure thing because I was sitting on the can, listening to you not take a crap!


Vicki: I am so full. I don't think I could put another thing in my mouth.
Charlie: Hope that's just a figure of speech

Jake: Are you crazy?
Rose: There's several schools of thought on that

Plato and Aristotle said that no matter how many times you shaked it, the last drop always falls in the pants

Displaying all 6 quotes