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Two-and-a-half-men

Jenna: So, are you a friend of the bride or the groom?
Alan: Well, the bride is my mother, so... the groom.

Sloane: Jake, what I want to know is, were you in your uncle's room at any time today?
Jake: No, I never go to my uncle's room.
Sloane: Why not?
Jake: 'Cause all the skin mags are in my dad's room.

[the crime scene investigators dim the lights in Charlie's room to check for semen]
Sloane: My God!
Wes: It's like a Jackson Pollock painting.
Charlie: The ceiling fan's actually a cute story.

Berta: So who do you suppose was smoking Teddy's sausage?
Courtney: Berta, that is my father in there!
Berta: OK, so who do you suppose was smoking your father's sausage?

[Evelyn finds Teddy lying dead on Charlie's bed]
Evelyn: You son of a bitch.
Alan: So you weren't the one who was...
Evelyn: Of course not. I already married the man! I just can't believe he'd cheat on me on our wedding day!
Courtney: Excuse me, my father is lying here dead!
Evelyn: With his pants around his ankles and lipstick on his hoo-hoo.

Charlie: We've got a real problem here.
Berta: What do you mean "we?" [walks away]

Evelyn: We don't eat from the cake until we cut the cake.
Jake: But I'm still hungry.
Evelyn: Have some cheese!
Jake: Have we cut the cheese?

Displaying all 7 quotes

Two and a Half Men Season 5 Episode 17 Quotes

Charlie: We've got a real problem here.
Berta: What do you mean "we?" [walks away]

Evelyn: We don't eat from the cake until we cut the cake.
Jake: But I'm still hungry.
Evelyn: Have some cheese!
Jake: Have we cut the cheese?

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