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Charlie: You're like an Alzheimer's patient in a whorehouse.
Alan: What do you mean?
Charlie: You're constantly surprised that you're getting screwed, and you don't want to pay for it

Charlie: What are you doing?
Alan: Giving you a wedgie... where's your underwear?
Charlie: I'm not wearing any, but thanks for scratching my ass!

Alan: He put dog poop in my Mork & Mindy lunch box!
Charlie: Will you let that go?! By the way, if you think it through, we didn't have a dog.
Alan: What?
Charlie: Mom wanted me to make you lunch... I made ya lunch!

Alan: He gave me wedgies! From kindergarden on, I have gotten daily wedgies! My butt cheeks didn't unclench until my second year of college!
Charlie: At which point a long stick slid out

Charlie: So what should we do with Jake today?
Alan: I don't know. How about a barbecue?
Charlie: Gee, Alan, I don't know. The kid is delicious, but I think I'd prefer hamburgers

When we were kids, Charlie told his friends that I was a shaved monkey our mom won in a poker game

Alan [to Rose]
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