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Evelyn: All her son did at her funeral was make cynical jokes at her.
Charlie: Did you happen to jot any of them down? edit

Alan: Are you going to be at mom's funeral?
Charlie: Sure, as the eldest child it is my job to show up and pound the stake in.
Alan: Now, that's not fair.
Charlie: Fine, you can cut off her head and hold it up for the villagers

Alan: We have to talk to her about this.
Charlie: Yeah, right. What are we gonna say? "Hey, mom, wanted to let you know you're a miserable she-bat and no one would come to your funeral unless your sons turn it into a three-day beer-fest"

Jeweler: How about perfume? Do you know her scent?
Charlie: Yeah.
Alan: You do?
Charlie: Do you carry Chanel number 666?

Jeweler: Well, um, tell me something about [Evelyn]. What does she like?
Charlie: Hurting people!
Alan: Charlie... (back to the jeweler) It's a little hard to answer that because we have a bit of a strained relationship.
Jeweler: Oh, so you'd like to find a gift that would help bring you closer together.
Charlie and Alan: (shaking their heads and hands) Oh, no no... no.

Charlie: We need to do something about Mom.
Alan: I don't disagree, but there's an option to running away from her.
Charlie: Yeah, but we'd get caught, and you'd sell me out for a reduced sentence

Alan: Just pick out a present that reflects your grandmother.
Jake: Like what?
Charlie: How about a grizzly bear ripping apart a salmon?

Alan: We could tell her the truth: that she's just as toxic as her late friend and that that's the way she's going to be remembered.
Charlie: Are you on crack?
Alan: Maybe if she realized how people see her, she might make an effort to change.
Charlie: If she realized how people see her, she'd just... get new people

Jake: Yo, check out the bling!
Charlie: Jake, I'm not going to tell you again. You're a pasty, white kid. Start acting like one

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