Two and a Half Men

Two and a Half Men "Kissing Abraham Lincoln" Quotes

Alan: So you understand the situation?
Kandi: I think so. Now that we're not married anymore, you want to sell my condo.
Alan: No, no, it's-- it's our condo. I got it for us. Not the smartest thing I ever did, but my real estate advisor was my penis.
Kandi: Is that what they mean when they say the market's gone soft?
 • Rating: Unrated

Charlie: I either drank too much, or got hit by a train
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Kandi: Want to have sex?
Alan: What?
Kandi: I'm horny, you're stressed, seems like we both benefit
 • Rating: Unrated

Charlie: We had fun last night in bed, eh?
Lydia: Oh, terrific! What woman doesn't enjoy pleasing a man who falls asleep while he's in the middle of reciprocating?
Charlie: That explains why I dreamed I was kissing Abraham Lincoln
 • Rating: Unrated

Berta: I don't mind your girlfriends throwing the occasional thong or panties into the hamper. I just fold them and sell them at the swap meet, but this broad is taking advantage of my easygoing nature.
Charlie: Now to be fair, Lydia does have her positive attributes.
Berta: Yeah, well, I ain't hitting any of them attributes, so I don't give a rat's ass.
 • Rating: Unrated

Charlie: Okay, I can do this. I just turn it on and stick 'em in.
Alan: It's a washing machine, not a cocktail waitress
 • Rating: Unrated

Charlie: Berta's the one who keeps this house running, and more important, she's kind of like family.
Lydia: She's rude, offensive, and vulgar.
Charlie: Okay, exactly like family
 • Rating: Unrated

Lydia: Berta, I'd like some scrambled egg whites, dry wheat toast, and Earl Grey tea.
Berta: Oh, yeah? Well, I'd like some new shoes, a jet pack, and a waistline
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Lydia: I hope you're proud of yourself.
Charlie: Well, I didn't wake up in my own vomit, so, yeah, kind of
 • Rating: Unrated

Lydia: Why don't you put some sunscreen on your cute little bottom?
Charlie: What for?
Lydia: 'Cause I wouldn't want you to get a nasty burn.
Charlie: Why would I get a nasty... ohhh, you mean sex?
Lydia: Good thing you're pretty 'cause you're very slow
 • Rating: Unrated

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