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Alan: So is there anything I should know about? Any side effects or anything?
Doctor: Well that's one of the purposes of the research. But in tests of this nature, common side effects include dry mouth, hair loss, blurred vision, inflammed gums...
Alan: Okay.
Doctor: ...Mild nausea, heart palpitations, liver damage...
Alan: Wow!
Doctor: ...Boils, shingles, sudden fainting, and temporary darkening of the stool.
Alan: Good Lord! How much do you pay people to do this?
Doctor: A thousand dollars a week.
Alan: I'm in!

Jake: Hey, Dad, did you get Mom a present when you got divorced?
Alan: A present?
Jake: Yeah, a memento of your time together.
Alan: Jake, buddy, you're the memento of our time together.
Jake: So you're too cheap to get her earrings.
Alan: She did better than earrings. She got my family jewels.

Alan: Charlie, you can't depend on the kindness of the universe.
Charlie: I have to. I don't have an older brother to sponge off of.

Charlie: Hey Berta, look what I got.
Berta: Big deal, it's a freaking miracle you don't got ten of them.
Charlie: This is Linda's son, Brandon.
Brandon: I'm Brandon.
Berta: I got ears.

Charlie: I'm babysitting.
Berta: You?
Charlie Why not me?
Berta: You're a rum-soaked degenerate.

Charlie: Linda's spending time with her son tonight. Apparently, she's one of these single moms that puts her kid first.
Alan: The bitch!

Alan: Money doesn't just fall from the sky.
Charlie: Obviously you've never been sitting ringside when a pole dancer hangs upside down.

God takes care of drunks and fools, and C. Roscoe Harper is both.

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