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Charlie [about Jake at Evelyn's]: Oh, come on, he's not in any real danger.
Alan: Not physically, but you know as well as I do that Mom has the ability to say things that... stick with you.
Charlie: Yeah. Forever and ever. My favorite was, "They must have mixed you up with another baby 'cause I could never have given birth to such a hateful child." Who writes that on an fifth grader's birthday card?

Charlie [about Jake at Evelyn's]: Do you realize that he did in one night, what we could never do in a lifetime?
Alan: He broke her.
Charlie: He spit her out and chewed her up.
Alan: It was beautiful

Evelyn [to Alan]: Are you telling me you need to get your ex-wife's approval to let your own son spend time with your own mother?
Charlie: He had a really, really bad lawyer

Charlie: No man has ever gotten into a woman's pants chit-chatting about skin cancer.
Alan: You can't possibly know that

Jake [about spending night at grandma's]: What did I ever do to you?
Alan: It's not a punishment.
Jake: It's not a prize. I'm calling Mom

Evelyn: Good Lord, are you picking your nose?!?
Jake: I had to. There was stuff in it.
Evelyn: And just where were you planning to put it?
Jake: I didn't really have a plan

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