Thursdays 8:30 PM on CBS
Two-and-a-half-men

If there was a freeloader's Hall of Fame, my dad will be living in it... for free.

Jake

Alan: You know what the problem is? Walden does not appreciate anything I bring to the party.
Lyndsey: I have never seen you bring anything to a party, except a Ziploc bag to steal the shrimp.

Berta: By the way, in case I forget, I may be a little late on Monday.
Walden: No problem, when should I expect you?
Berta: Wednesday.

Displaying all 3 quotes