Thursdays 8:30 PM on CBS

Alan: You're going to hell, you know?
Charlie: I don't think so. I believe in a loving God who forgives little fibs as long as they lead to recreational sex.
Alan: You really wanna drag God into this?
Charlie: Who gave me the penis, Alan?

Jake: Dad said you almost drowned today?
Charlie: Yup!
Jake: Are you okay now?
Charlie: I'm fine.
Jake: Can I ask you a question?
Charlie: Sure.
Jake: It's about what happens when you die.
Charlie: Okay.
Jake: Who gets your car?

Alan: Come on, Jake, we're going to the movies.
Jake: On a school night?
Alan: Why not? You're flunking anyway

Evelyn: Charlie was a planned baby.
Alan: What was I?
Evelyn: Well, dear, you were a pitcher of margaritas and a gas station condom

Alan: You don't surf do you?
Charlie: Not a bit.
Alan: So how did Gidget get the idea you were "The Big Kahuna?"
Charlie: I told her I "hanged ten" and I guess she misunderstood

Alan: Since when do you have a wet suit?
Charlie: Since I moved to the beach and noticed it was full of hot surfer chicks. If I lived next to Jellystone Park I'd have a bear suit and a picnic basket

Charlie: I think I'll go to the bathroom.
Evelyn: Why?
Charlie: What do you mean "why"? I have to go.
Evelyn: When was the last time you had a prostate exam?
Charlie: It feels like I'm having one now

Evelyn: So, how is work?
Charlie: Fine.
Evelyn: Are you seeing anybody special?
Charlie: Nope.
Evelyn: Charlie, did you ever stop to think that our relationship is strained because you won't let me in? You won't share.
Charlie: You know why I won't share with you, Mom? Because anything I say will be used against me.
Evelyn: Oh please...
Charlie: I have to go to the bathroom, maybe I have a prostate problem. I buy a new Mercedes, you call it a Nazi phallic symbol. I'm seeing someone new, you ask if I'm paying her by the hour, or per schtup!

Alan: When was the last time you called mom just to see how she was doing?
Charlie: Uh, whoo. What's today, Sunday? Then never.
Alan: Why don't you start with that?
Charlie: OK, fine.
Alan: Remember her number?
Charlie: I've got it on speed dial. 666. Cute, huh?

Displaying all 9 quotes