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Alan: You're going to hell, you know?
Charlie: I don't think so. I believe in a loving God who forgives little fibs as long as they lead to recreational sex.
Alan: You really wanna drag God into this?
Charlie: Who gave me the penis, Alan?
- Permalink: You're going to hell, you know? I don't think so. I believe in...
Jake: Dad said you almost drowned today?
Jake: Are you okay now?
Charlie: I'm fine.
Jake: Can I ask you a question?
Jake: It's about what happens when you die.
Jake: Who gets your car?
- Permalink: Dad said you almost drowned today? Yup! Are you okay now? ...
Alan: Come on, Jake, we're going to the movies.
Jake: On a school night?
Alan: Why not? You're flunking anyway
- Permalink: Come on, Jake, we're going to the movies. On a school night? ...
Evelyn: Charlie was a planned baby.
Alan: What was I?
Evelyn: Well, dear, you were a pitcher of margaritas and a gas station condom
- Permalink: Charlie was a planned baby. What was I? Well, dear, you were...
Alan: You don't surf do you?
Charlie: Not a bit.
Alan: So how did Gidget get the idea you were "The Big Kahuna?"
Charlie: I told her I "hanged ten" and I guess she misunderstood
- Permalink: You don't surf do you? Not a bit. So how did Gidget get the ...
Alan: Since when do you have a wet suit?
Charlie: Since I moved to the beach and noticed it was full of hot surfer chicks. If I lived next to Jellystone Park I'd have a bear suit and a picnic basket
- Permalink: Since when do you have a wet suit? Since I moved to the beach ...
Charlie: I think I'll go to the bathroom.
Charlie: What do you mean "why"? I have to go.
Evelyn: When was the last time you had a prostate exam?
Charlie: It feels like I'm having one now
- Permalink: I think I'll go to the bathroom. Why? What do you mean why? ...
Evelyn: So, how is work?
Evelyn: Are you seeing anybody special?
Evelyn: Charlie, did you ever stop to think that our relationship is strained because you won't let me in? You won't share.
Charlie: You know why I won't share with you, Mom? Because anything I say will be used against me.
Evelyn: Oh please...
Charlie: I have to go to the bathroom, maybe I have a prostate problem. I buy a new Mercedes, you call it a Nazi phallic symbol. I'm seeing someone new, you ask if I'm paying her by the hour, or per schtup!
- Permalink: So, how is work? Fine. Are you seeing anybody special? Nop...
Alan: When was the last time you called mom just to see how she was doing?
Charlie: Uh, whoo. What's today, Sunday? Then never.
Alan: Why don't you start with that?
Charlie: OK, fine.
Alan: Remember her number?
Charlie: I've got it on speed dial. 666. Cute, huh?
- Permalink: When was the last time you called mom just to see how she was do...