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Two-and-a-half-men

Judith: Where's Alan?
Charlie: He's not here.
Judith: Really? I told him I was coming.
Charlie: That's probably why he's not here

Charlie: Hey, buddy!
Jake: Hey, Uncle Charlie.
Charlie: Ready for a fun weekend?
Judith: He's not going to have a fun weekend, Charlie. He's going to study for a history test on Monday.
Charlie: Hmm. Well, if believing that gets you back into your car, then I'll play along

Alan: You earned that A.
Jake: Wendy Chow got an A+.
Evelyn: There, you hear that? Wendy Chow got an A plus.
Alan: Wendy Chow is a freak of nature! She cloned a goldfish for the science fair! We can't compare Jake to her.
Evelyn: Well, who should we compare him to, then: the paste eaters and the unibrows?

Evelyn: How many kids in your class got an A?
Jake: Almost everybody. Why?
Evelyn: I'm just curious as to how hard the test actually was.
Alan: Doesn't matter, Mom. It's still an A.
Evelyn: And an A is very nice. I just don't see why we should make such a big fuss over it if they're handing them out like rubella vaccinations!

Charlie [drunkenly]: You know what I like? Those big pink things with coconut.
Jake: Sno Balls?
Charlie: Yeah. Can you still get those?
Jake: Yeah, but not at the supermarket. You have to go to 7-Eleven.
Charlie: Thank you... Alan, will you drive me to 7-Eleven?
Alan: No, we're trying to study.
Charlie: Okay. I'll pretend like I'm not even here

Alan: Okay, Lewis and Clark explored what?
Charlie: [makes buzzer sound] Louisiana Purchase.
Alan: Right.
Jake: I knew that!
Alan: Yeah, but Uncle Charlie buzzed first.
Charlie: And I'm still buzzed

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