Thursdays 8:30 PM on CBS

Dr. Freeman: Okay, I got 5 minutes before my next patient so why don’t you just give me the headline.
Charlie: Okay, I’m seeing a woman.
Dr. Freeman: That’s not a headline Charlie, that’s the name of the paper.
Charlie: I know but she’s different than the type of woman I usually go out with.
Dr. Freeman: Oh yeah, different how?
Charlie: Well, she’s a little older.
Dr. Freeman: You really couldn’t go younger without having to register with the authorities.

Alan: Why aren't you studying for your algebra final?
Jake: 'Cause I don't have to.
Alan: You don't have to study algebra.
Jake: Nope. All I gotta do is get a 67 to pass the course, and then it's adiós seventh grade, arrivederci eighth.
Alan: OK, we can cross "UN interpreter" off the job list...

What's bugging you, Zippy? Your blow-up doll run off with a pool toy?


Alan: You know what you call someone who just skates through life doing only the bare minimum?
Jake: Uncle Charlie?
Alan: You call him a slacker.
Jake: Whateve...
Alan: Whateve? Are you now so lazy you can't even be bothered to finish words?
Jake: What's your prob? Don't you get happy if I just get in eighth grade? I mean isn't that the whole point of seventh?
Alan: No, that is not the whole point of seventh. And yes I'll be thrilled if you're not left back.
Jake: So relax, it's all good.
Alan: Don't you mean it's all "goo?"

Evelyn: We're at the same theater. What a happy coincidence.
Charlie: Yeah, just like Booth and Lincoln.

Angie: How do you like being a father, Alan?
Alan: Ah...well, ya know, I'd have to say it's wonderfully rewarding and more than a little challenging. Jake's kind of a diamond-in-the-rough.
Charlie: Jake's kind of a turd in the punch bowl.
Angie: Charlie! That is no way to talk about a child!
Charlie: He's not a child; he's a post-pubescent tapeworm with a bad haircut.

Dr. Freeman: This woman you're seeing is a mother figure.
Charlie: "A mother figure?" I said she's warm, nurturing and supportive. The words, "toxic she-devil," did not pass my lips.

Dr. Freeman: So you're competing with your brother for the affection of an older, nurturing woman.
Charlie: Boy, you're just a one-string banjo, aren't you?

Charlie: So what do I owe you?
Dr. Freeman: Well, I get $200 an hour, you were here for 5 minutes, so why don't we just round it off and say $200?
Charlie: Man, even hookers prorate.

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