Angie: How do you like being a father, Alan?
Alan: Ah...well, ya know, I'd have to say it's wonderfully rewarding and more than a little challenging. Jake's kind of a diamond-in-the-rough.
Charlie: Jake's kind of a turd in the punch bowl.
Angie: Charlie! That is no way to talk about a child!
Charlie: He's not a child; he's a post-pubescent tapeworm with a bad haircut.

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Charlie Harper Quotes, Alan Harper Quotes, Two and a Half Men Season 5 Episode 19 Quotes, Two and a Half Men Quotes
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Two and a Half Men Season 5 Episode 19 Quotes

Dr. Freeman: So you're competing with your brother for the affection of an older, nurturing woman.
Charlie: Boy, you're just a one-string banjo, aren't you?

Charlie: So what do I owe you?
Dr. Freeman: Well, I get $200 an hour, you were here for 5 minutes, so why don't we just round it off and say $200?
Charlie: Man, even hookers prorate.