Venture Brothers

Venture Brothers Quotes (Page 3)

Episode 9: "The Diving Bell Vs. The Butter-Glider"

Hank: I'm out of gun food.
 • Rating: 4.8 / 5.0

Episode 8: "Pinstripes & Poltergeists"

Brock: We had to make sacrifices.
Dr. Venture: Like covering yourselves in rotten eggs. Do you know how bad you smell?
Brock: No, ass! Like living next to the boys for a year and not being able to tell them that they're safe. That kinda sacrifice!
Hunter: I had my pud removed, then reattached.
ShoreLeave: I pretended I became a religious fanatic.
Sky Pilot: I pretended to be in love with ShoreLeave.
ShoreLeave: Oh! And I pretended I liked having sex with him every night.
 • Rating: 3.0 / 5.0

Dr. Girlfriend: Monstroso! That's what this is about? He's king of the double cross. I mean, think about it. He's a lawyer and a super villain. That's like a shark with a grenade launcher on his head.
 • Rating: 4.0 / 5.0

The Monarch: Sweet! So let's go with my plan to cover his compound in sticky hot sugar! Leaving him and his family to be devoured by ants! And those little ones...
Henchman 21: You mean gnats?
The Monarch: No.
Henchman 21: Chiggers?
The Monarch: Chiggers!
Monstroso: No, that plan was stupid. My plan is clean, elegant, classic. We take him down as one would take down a Mafia don. Cigar?
The Monarch: No! So then we're going with my plan to just put him in a bag and beat him with a rake?
Monstroso: No, that was also stupid.
 • Rating: 2.0 / 5.0

Brock: Uh, geez, this place reeks. What's this guy doing in there?
ShoreLeave: The guy is Peter Schumpmaker. Lord knows what a schump is, but you can bet your bippy his ancestors made them. What he's doing is far worse than crafting fine shumps
 • Rating: 3.0 / 5.0

Henchman 21: Do we have souls?
Henchman 24: Yes, but they're not quite souls, but in Earth's general idea, everything has a soul.
Henchman 21: Crap, so I guess we should become vegetarian.
Henchman 24: No, like everything living has a soul, even spinach. You can't win.
Henchman 21: So that's a problem.
Henchman 24: Here's something. You know how people cry about aborting babies because of their soul? Turns out you don't get a soul until you're like one.
Henchman 21: So, weird, one. Really?
Henchman 24: Or maybe six months. I forget. Either way, you're just this little crying, pooing monster blob until you get your soul.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Henchmen 24: Ask me any question.
Henchmen 21: Okay, what's the meaning of life?
Henchmen 24: The color twelve.
Henchmen 21: Really?
Henchmen 24: No, idiot, ask me something less Hitchhiker's Guide, dork.
 • Rating: 4.8 / 5.0

Episode 7: "The Better Man"

The Master: Did you know he's uncircumcised? Yeah, Mr. Baldie will forever wear his turtleneck.
Triana: That's so gross! Do I have to break his heart?
The Master: No, but you do have to clean his penis with a Q-Tip.
 • Rating: 2.5 / 5.0

The Master: Why don't you leave me alone so I can jump rope naked in front a mirror in your ex-wife's body?
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Dr. Orpheus: She must be in her fourties...
The Master: Really Orpheus? Tell it to the heiny, because she thinks it's still 1992.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Dean: Can I pet your p***y?
Triana: There's no irony in that, is there?
 • Rating: 4.0 / 5.0

Hank: What's with the suit?
Dean: Is it illegal to look good?
Hank: In this house is kind of is.
 • Rating: 2.0 / 5.0

The Master: Triana Orpheus, you should go live with your mother and begin your training as a sorceress. It's your destiny! And it's way cheaper than art school!
 • Rating: Unrated

Billy Quizboy: It's out! I did it. So, am I part of the Triad.
The Alchemist: Triad implies three. So...
Billy Quizboy: All right. Then you guys have to pay my rather steep fee.
The Alchemist: Welcome to the Mystical Order of the Trilogy, Special Brother Billy!
 • Rating: Unrated

The Alchemist: Maybe we should strip him down and rub him with magic unctions?
Jefferson Twilight: How will that help him?
The Alchemist: Him? I was thinking of me.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

The Alchemist: Great, so we take credit for killing Torrid, you take credit for kicking the Outrider's ass. Then we make a secret pact to never speak of this again.
Dr. Orpheus: I've been wrong about the Outrider. He was noble and good. We can't leave him like this.
The Alchemist: Okay, we drop a rock on his head, then we make a secret pact to never speak of this again.
 • Rating: Unrated

Dr. Orpheus: Triad! Be unseen!
Jefferson Twilight: Was something supposed to happen? Are we invisible now, or something?
Dr. Orpheus: No, I meant that we should hide. Just like behind something.
The Alchemist: Well be specific next time.
 • Rating: Unrated

Dean: Well, if I was your dad, and you were your mom, and the you that wasn't your mom was another girl, I would never let anyone take the you-mom.
Triana: That would be really sweet... if it wasn't so confusing.
 • Rating: Unrated

Jefferson Twilight: Score?
The Alchemist: 85%.
Jefferson Twilight: Get out! Where did I blow it?
The Alchemist: Well, for one, you killed Matthew Lasko.
Jefferson Twilight: That was... well, he was wearing punctuation on his suit. That's a total bad-guy suit!
The Alchemist: He helps people get free money from the government. That is a good guy. It's reflected in your score.
 • Rating: Unrated

Dr. Orpheus: The time is now! Triad, join me! For I am Dr. Orpheus! Master of Mysticism!
The Alchemist: I don't want to do that introducing ourselves bit. It's goofy. let's not die being goofy.
Jefferson Twilight: I'm with Al. Maybe we could sing a Stevie Wonder song together.
The Alchemist: Yeah, that's not much better.
 • Rating: Unrated

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