Wilfred: Do you know why dogs dig?
Ryan: Because they're searching for bones?
Wilfred: Because we're searching for truth.

Ryan: Why would people assume that I'm the thief?
Wilfred: Really? You're still not getting this? You're the twitchy loner, the pasty neighborhood creep. And that's not me talking, that's Mrs. Patel.

Wilfred: Do you know what this is?
Ryan: Let me guess, the length of my dick?
Wilfred: No, it's the amount of compassion you've shown towards your mum...and the length of your dick. They happened to be equal in this case. It doesn't happen often, but it's pretty cool when this shit lines up. Like an eclipse.

My friend, I feel great shame for accusing you unjustly. I will not sleep well tonight, but tomorrow during the day I'll take a long nap.

Mr. Patel

Jenna: Wilfred pooped on your lawn.
Wilfred: There is symbolism in that poop Ryan...and some grass...and half a slipper.

Having fun, Ryan? Just another lazy Sunday watching porn with your lazy, rock hard neighbor.

Well, what have we here? And what is that thing above them with the mouth and eyes?

I once cracked a Nazi skin head in the face with a beer bong, and you know what he did to me? Belly rub.

I've seen more aggressive ball playing in an airport men's room.

I got it. It wasn't a homo chip. It was a glowing orb of gayness brought here by aliens that you summoned...

What did you do with my hair? I distinctly remember leaving it right here, all over the place.

Ryan: I killed him.
Wilfred: Oh, that's a relief.

Wilfred Quotes

Ryan: I thought it would make me sound Effete.
Wilfred: So does saying the word "effete."

Ryan: Get off.
Wilfred: I'm trying to!