I've seen more aggressive ball playing in an airport men's room.

I got it. It wasn't a homo chip. It was a glowing orb of gayness brought here by aliens that you summoned...

What did you do with my hair? I distinctly remember leaving it right here, all over the place.

Wilfred: Do you know what this is?
Ryan: Let me guess, the length of my dick?
Wilfred: No, it's the amount of compassion you've shown towards your mum...and the length of your dick. They happened to be equal in this case. It doesn't happen often, but it's pretty cool when this shit lines up. Like an eclipse.

Ryan: I killed him.
Wilfred: Oh, that's a relief.

Having fun, Ryan? Just another lazy Sunday watching porn with your lazy, rock hard neighbor.

Sometimes when I look at you, I can almost see a 10-foot tampon string hanging out of you.

Ryan: Did you eat my sandwich?
Wilfred: Because I'm a dog, right? I can only imagine what you'd say if I was black.

Wilfred: Do you know why dogs dig?
Ryan: Because they're searching for bones?
Wilfred: Because we're searching for truth.

Jenna's not a meat-lover's pizza I can have delivered in 30 minutes or less. Hey! You know what sounds good right now? Chinese.

But Jenna's put a lot of work into this. She even took me to the groomer. Thanks for noticing by the way.

Ryan: Eat shit! Eat shit!
Wilfred: Again, your tone says insult, but what I'm hearing is a tempting offer.

Wilfred Quotes

The home security system to a dog is like the cotton gin to a slave. It's an insult. It says you're easily replaceable.


Ryan: I thought it would make me sound Effete.
Wilfred: So does saying the word "effete."