South Park
Wednesdays 10:00 PM on Comedy CentralEric Cartman Quotes
Stan: Dude! You're not gonna believe what Cartman got!
Kyle: Hepatitis B?
Cartman: No dickhole! 4 tickets, 28th row for the "Raging Pussies."
Cartman: Outlander! Outlander! We have your woman! She still lives Outlander! Outlander! Her blood will spill.
Butters: What the heck are you talking about?
Cartman: Butters calm down alright.
Kyle: What's "bad touch?"
Cartman: Something bout a swimsuit, I don't remember, but you definitely answer bad touch!
Kyle: My parents said I can't go.
Stan: Well of course your parents said you can't go.
Cartman: Dummy, you don't ask if you can go! I'm telling my parents that I'm staying at Stan's house, Stan's telling his parents he's staying at Kenny's house, and Kenny's not telling his parents anything cause they're alcoholics and they don't care!
Kenny: (muffled) Yeah!
Kyle: Oh, well now I already told them.
Cartman: Well I guess you're screwed then.
Linda: Just point us to a phone kid, alright?
Cartman: (laughs) I'm afraid you'll find all the phones... quite out of service.
Mark: No phones either! How do you communicate?
(Cartman pics up a jar, opens it up and speaks into it)
Cartman: Butters, I need an ETA on a car, stat! (closes the jar and hands it to a kid who walks out the door)
Mark: Alright we've had just about enough here. That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever seen. I don't care what little games you kids want to play, we just want out of here alright.
(Kid walks back in room with the jar & Cartman opens it)
Butters: (voice from jar) It's gonna be about 3 days.
Rick: Hello Cartman, how are you today?
Cartman: Well I'm pissed off Rick, how are you?
Cartman: When I was in prison, we used to sneak stuff in by hiding it up our ass.
Another fat boy: I have some Fudge 'Ems up my ass. You want some?
Cartman: (scoffs) Yeah, I'm not falling for that one again!
Will somebody put this retard out of his misery?
(Cartman is selling candy at the fat camp he is attending and is approached by a fellow camper who is crying.)
Cartman: Why are you crying Chad?
Chad: Cause I'm always gonna be fat, I don't want to eat no sweets but I can't control myself when there right in front of me like this (continues crying) all my life I've been fat, I've been to seven camp and I swore to my momma that I'd lose the weight, I want too but I can't help myself. (continues crying).
Cartman: Hey Chad, do you know what you need? You need a friend.
Chad I do?
Cartman: Yes a chocolate friend. Mr. Candybar doesn't judge you Chad, Mr. Candybar likes you just the way you are. Look how yummy and sweet he is.
(Chad, still crying, takes the offered candy bar.)
Cartman: There you go, that'll just be four dollars.
(Chad, who is still crying, pays Cartman and begins to eat)
Cartman: There you go.
Cartman: Mom, tell them. Tell them I'm not fat, I'm just big boned. Tell them all the stories about how everyone in your family was big as a child but then grew into their bodies.
Liane: Oh sweetie, those were all lies. You're just fat.
Cartman: Kyle, why do you do these things to me?
Kyle: I didn't do anything to you; Timmy saw the turkey and wanted to get it, what did you want me to say to him?
Cartman: You say: "NO TIMMY, YOU CAN'T HAVE THAT TURKEY! BAD TIMMY!"
Actor: (singing) Why not use a trick we actors use, cover your eyes and ears to see what it would be like to be blind and deaf. See what plays inside your mind.
(Cartman does so and it is followed by a montage of horrific scenes, the holocaust, someone on fire, grizzly operations, a dead rat being eaten by another rat, etc.)
Cartman: (takes off blindfold and ear muffs) WHOA!
Actor: Anything useful?
Cartman: No, just the stuff i usually see when I close my eyes.
