South Park
Wednesdays 10:00 PM on Comedy CentralEric Cartman Quotes
Cartman: Kyle, why do you do these things to me?
Kyle: I didn't do anything to you; Timmy saw the turkey and wanted to get it, what did you want me to say to him?
Cartman: You say: "NO TIMMY, YOU CAN'T HAVE THAT TURKEY! BAD TIMMY!"
Actor: (singing) Why not use a trick we actors use, cover your eyes and ears to see what it would be like to be blind and deaf. See what plays inside your mind.
(Cartman does so and it is followed by a montage of horrific scenes, the holocaust, someone on fire, grizzly operations, a dead rat being eaten by another rat, etc.)
Cartman: (takes off blindfold and ear muffs) WHOA!
Actor: Anything useful?
Cartman: No, just the stuff i usually see when I close my eyes.
I can't dude, Timmy has a boner for it.
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Stan: Kyle saved your life! The least you could do is thank him!
Cartman: Alright, alright......Kyle......(opens mouth. episode ends)
(singing) I don't want to wait, for my trapper keeper to be over!
(Kyle sneaks into the Cartman-Trapper Keeper monster to shut it down)
Cartman: (Sounding like HAL from 2001) What are you doing, Kyle?
Kyle: I have to shut down your CPU!
Cartman: (Like HAL) I'm afraid I can't let you do that, Kyle.
Kyle: Well, screw you, fat ass!
Cartman: (normal voice) Screw you!
Cartman: (jumping up on the desk) Kiss my ass!
(long pause)
Cartman: Oh, you guys are so weak!
Ms. Choksondik: Young man do you have an explanation for this?
Cartman: Oh, I'm sure I do.
Cartman: We did not do our homework Ms.Makes-me-sick.
Ms.Choksondik: It's Choksondik!
Stan: This is it the end of innocence this is the loss of that playful youth that all are parents warned us about
Kyle: I just didn't think it come so soon.
Cartman: Yeah, only now do we realize how we took the 3rd grade for granted.
Kyle: Huh?
Cartman: Everything was great in 3rd grade and now that it's all over we're starting to see how special it was
Cartman: (starts singing) Remember how it used to be? In the 3rd grade we used to laugh and play and cherish each day, in the 3rd grade we learned wondrous things with a teacher so nice sat on marshmallow desks with teddy bear smiles the world all seem to make sense but that sense seemed slowly but, seemed to fade after 3rd grade. In 3rd grade we used to write with crayons we would make sparkly pictures with glitter and glue we had warm cookies and hearts full of love and it wasn't a care in the world for me or for you. There's not in this life that I wouldn't trade just to go back for 1 minute to 3rd grade.
(Clyde starts crying)
Cartman: Suck my balls.
Ms. Choksondik: Present them.
Cartman: What?
Ms. Choksondik: Present: Whip them out and I'll suck 'em.
We've had a new time machine built, this one out of a simple microwave oven and a duck.
(about Kenny) God bitch-slapped him right to the fiery depths of hell!
