South Park
Wednesdays 10:00 PM on Comedy CentralEric Cartman Quotes
Wendy: (singing) Mrs. Landers was a health nut, she cooked food in a wok. Mr. Harris was her boyfriend and he had a great big
Cock-a-doodle-doodle, the rooster just won't quit, and I don't want my breakfast because it tastes like
Shitzus make good house pets, they're cuddly and sweet; monkeys aren't good to have 'cause they like to beat their
Meeting in the office, or meeting in the hall, the boss he wants to see you, so you can suck his
Balzac was a writer, he lived with Allen Funt. Mrs. Roberts doesn't like him, but that's 'cause she's a
Contaminated water can really make you sick: your bladder gets infected, and blood comes out your
Dictate what I'm saying, 'cause it will bring you luck, and if you all don't like it I don't give a flying (beep).
Cartman: Thanks Wendy. Don't call us, we wont call you either.
Cartman: Gentleman, thank you for coming. This is the beginning of a great time in our lives. God has finally spoken to me guys, and he has told me how I can make ten million dollars.
Stan: How?
Cartman: Boy band.
Kyle: Boy band?
Cartman: Boy Band.
Stan: I'm not being in any faggy boy band.
Cartman: There's nothing faggy about ten million dollars asshole.
Oh, this is a democratic boy band, is it?
Attention mall shoppers, the next twenty people to buy an orange smoothie will also receive a complimentary Nissan Sentra, Hurry up.
(shoppers rush towards Orange Smoothie stand)
Well God, I guess you got me again, didn't you? Yeah, that was a good one, God. Hope it made you laugh, you sick bastard.
Cartman: Check this out, my mom made us costumes.
Stan: Costumes!
Cartman: Yeah. This one's yours Stan, and this one is Kyle's, this one will cover up Wendy's hooters.
Stan: Hey Cartman, how come your costume has like nose rings and facial hair?
Cartman: Cause I'm like you know, the tough one. Every boy band has to have the one member you know, that's tough.
Kyle: I want to be the tough one.
Cartman: Kyle, you are the sweet one, would you please just cooperate and...
Kyle: I wan't to be the tough one!
Cartman: You can't be the tough one because you're Jewish!
Kyle: Jews are tough!
Cartman: Since when?
Kyle: Since Abraham Fatass!
Cartman: Wait wait wait CUT. You have to go crazier that than! I mean you have to act like it's freaking Leonardo DiCaprio.
Bebe: We wouldn't give a rat's ass if Leonardo DiCaprio came walking passed us.
Girls: Yeah!
Cartman: Fine, who would you go crazy for?
Girls: (look at each other) MATT LAUER.
Cartman: Ok fine. Pretend that we're Matt Lauer.
Girls: Ok.
Cartman: Ok, roll camera!
(Fingerbang walks passed them, and the girls scream crazily)
Cartman: JESUS CHRIST!!!!
Stan: Hey Cartman, what does 'fingerbang' mean anyway?
Cartman: I heard it on HBO; it means like, you know, when you pretend to use your finger like a gun or something.
Ike: (singing) Itsy Bitsy spider up the water spout.
Cartman: Next!
Ike: (singing) Oh Danny Boy, the pipe is calling, clang cling clang...
Cartman: Next Audition!
Ike: E, F, G, H, I, J, K, Ellemenopee...
Cartman: GODDAMMIT IKE!!!
Ike: G. U. B. When the teacher wanna punch me...
Cartman: Not the next song, THE NEXT PERSON!!
Ike: (takes music and flips Cartman off)
Cartman: Oh man, this is gonna be a long-ass day.
Stan: Dude, we don't have any musical talent.
Cartman: That didn't stop any of the other boy bands, dumbass!
Wendy: Cartman, why don't you just go home. You aren't helping any.
Cartman: You won't let me help.
Wendy: That's because you're stupid and you're a racist.
Cartman: ...touch.
(to Wendy) Whoa! Calm down hoe.
