I am not leaving that woman in charge of our children. In three months the twins will be chain-smoking and Penny will be an alcoholic.

Remember when I was giving birth to the twins and screaming in agony because Porter was dragging my uterus out with him? Well I was more in the mood for sex then than I am now!

. Lynette

Scott: Yes, Lynette, I am a couple's counselor.
Lynette: Really? And what do you call this? Ambush therapy?

Gabrielle: What are you two doing here?
Susan: Uh, what are we doing here?
Lynette: Well, Edie hired me to cater, so it's just business. I don't know what her excuse is.
Susan: You are so dead.

Susan: Lynette, what are you doing here?
Lynette: Edie asked me to cater. I know, I'm a total whore, but please don't rat me out to Gaby.
Edie: (just as Susan is about to say something) Hi Susan! I have 30 copies of your book. The kids can't wait for you to sign it. Come on, let's go. Come on. Come on.
Lynette: (looks at Susan and smiles) Looks like we're working the same corner.

Gabrielle: So here's what's gonna happen. We're not talking to Edie anymore.
Lynette: What do you mean we?
Gabrielle: I mean we as in she betrayed me and you're my best friends so you're gonna support me because that's what friends do.
Susan: And support you, means acting like we're in junior high?

Lynette: Well, it turns out our new babysitter is working out too well, feel up to another tour of duty?
Mrs. McCluskey: Are you sure you want the Wisteria Witch looking after your kids?
Lynette: My kids know you're not a witch
Mrs. McCluskey: Too bad I could use the leverage

Gabrielle: Good friends share enemies too, so are you with me or not?
Susan: Ehm, of course we're with you.
Lynette: We will give Edie the cold shoulder.
Gabrielle: No, no! Not cold! Frozen! I want icicles hanging from that bitch's ears.

Tom: Make sure you have your cell phone with you. When you're interviewing, I'll call, you can conference me in.
Lynette: (being ironic) That is a great idea!
(secretly taking the phone and letting Mrs. McCluskey in)
Lynette: (whispering) Hi, at some point Tom's going to ask you to look for this. You will not find it!

Andrew: So he is a fat loser, who do you expect to get for $8.50 an hour?
Lynette: Well, that's what we pay you and you seem happy enough.
Andrew: That's because I'm doing the beer delivery guy.
Lynette: Oh... okay... my fault for asking...

(to Tom on the phone) I know, you're still mad, I am too, so why don't you come home, we can be mad together.

(crying) Listen to me. I forbid you to die. If you leave me.. with a mortgage, and a restaurant, and five kids I swear I will track you into the deepest pit of hell and make you pay. Do you hear me?

Lynette

Desperate Housewives Quotes

There is a prayer intended to give strength to people faced with circumstances they don't want to accept. The power of the prayer comes from it's insight into human nature. Because so many of us rage against the hand that life has dealt us. Because so many of us are cowardly. And afraid to stand up for what is right. Because so many of us give into despair when faced with an impossible choice. The good news for those who utter these words is that God will hear you and answer your prayer. The bad news is that sometimes the answer is no.

Mary Alice

I love you once. I love you twice. I love you more than beans and rice.

Mike