Ah, cold car ride through a dark suburban night. Look out the window and think of death, kids. It's a-comin'.

Lois: That's a great idea, maybe you can join PETA.
Peter: Join me for what?
Lois: No, PETA, the organization.
Peter: What organization?
Lois: PETA.
Peter: what?
Lois: PETA is an acronym, Peter.
Peter: No I'm not, I'm Catholic.
Stewie: Are we really doing this?

Peter [while riding an elephant]: Hey, Lois, look. The two symbols of the Republican party: an elephant and a big fat white guy who's threatened by change

I really hope there's a hungry horse back there.

You know, that really grinds my gears. Where in the bible does it say that a man can't fire off some knuckle-children in the privacy of his own neighbor's living room while his neighbor's at work because I don't have a DVD player? Well, I don't know where it says it because the Bible was way too long to read!

I assumed it was for being able to fart the alphabet, which I almost did before I pooped the "s." Owell, everyone was upset on the bus long before that.

Brian: Ah, it's a period joke!
Peter: Ah, it's a period period joke!

I know, you're a feminist, and I think that's adorable, but this is grown-up time now and I'm the man

For every five seconds I do not have flapjacks, I shall break one window.

Mr. Washee-Washee: I no have your shirt.
Peter: You yes have my shirt!
Peter: Fine, I go. But this no over! I take picture of Ang Lee
Mr . Washee-Washee: Good! He do too many white people movie anyway!
You no come back ever! I don't like you American. And all you American look alike!

Peter: (very drunk) Did I miss Byron's reward?
Lois: "Brian's award". And yes, you did!
Peter: Brian, you've been a good son, and I'm sorry you're so sick.

Chris: Brian's the new Meg! Brian's the new Meg!
Meg: Yeah, you're the new me!
Peter: Shut up, Meg.

Family Guy Quotes

Hi, I'm Wilford Brimley and I have diabetes. It hurts me to pee and it causes me to be short with my family. I can't sleep at night. The other day I stubbed my toe and took it out on the dog. And two weeks ago I ran out of vanilla ice cream and struck my wife. Then I find out my wife has been dead for six years. Who the hell did I hit?

Wilford Brimley

Brian: You know, Connie, I think I have a theory about why you're such a bitch.
Connie: Excuse me?
Meg: Brian, let's just go.
Brian: No, no, no, no, no. Now hang on... hang on, Meg, hang on. You see, Connie, you're popular because you developed early and started putting out when you were 12. But now you can't stand to look at yourself in the mirror because all you see is a whore. So, you pick on Meg to avoid the inevitable realization that once your body's used up by age 19, you're going to be a worn-out, chalky-skinned burlap sack that even your step-dad won't want. How's that? Am I in the ballpark?
(Connie cries and runs)