Salesman: WOAH! Have you lost weight?
Peter: No, its still there, I'm just partin' it on the side

The Don: I have asked you here tonight so that you can perform a service
Peter: Oh, what are you gonna make me do? Whack a guy? Off a guy? Whack off a guy? Cause I'm married ya know

Lois: Together we can do anything: face any foe, overcome any obstacle.
Peter: Yeah, climb any mountain, rent any video, dial any phone. And not just our phone, Lois, other people's phones. Decent phones, God-fearing phones, phones that everybody else gave up on, but we knew better because we were a team!
Brian: What the hell are you talking about?

Lois: I just wish my opinion mattered to you.
Peter: Well, the important thing is, it matters to you, and that's the greatest gift of all

Big Fat Paulie: Where are you going?
Peter: Uh, home. You know, for dinner.
Big Fat Paulie: Oh yeah, what are we having?
Peter: Uh, I was only supposed to go to a movie with you.
Big Fat Paulie: What's that supposed to mean?
Peter: Uh, you know, like, no neckin'
Big Fat Paulie: So I can have dinner with you?
Peter: Uh, uh, sure. That would be much better than having a quiet dinner with my family, who I love and am not afraid of

Lois: Peter, this car has dents in it, and it's got a cardboard steering wheel.. And look, there's no engine! It just has a drawing of an engine!
Car salesman: But it only had one previous owner...James Bond!
Peter: I'll take it!

Lois: Do you mind?
Paulie: Acutally I do, you crazy broad.
Lois: I am not a crazy broad!
Peter: Oh, no no Lois, he didn't mean you're crazy like.. Elizabeth Taylor... He meant you're crazy, like.. that glue... You stick to things, you know, like an adhesive... That's all he meant

Lois: Peter, do you even know which one of our children I'm talking about?
Peter: Gordon?

A job? Lois, the seventies are over, forget it

Lois: A flight attendant? Wow, that does sound exciting. What made you change your mind?
Peter: Just my desire to see you happy.
Lois: Aww....
Peter: And to exploit your hard labour for free travel and fun.
Lois: What?
Peter: Shhh... I didn't say anything. Go to sleep crazy lady

Peter: Wait, wait, wait, wait! Wait a second! You're telling me, I flew all the way to Kentucky, to get some of your fried chicken, and--and the Colonel isn't even working today??
KFC Employee: He ain't here -- He dead.
Peter: What??
KFC Employee: I say he dead.
Peter: Is Mr. Sanders in?
KFC Employee: What wrong wit you? I say you he dead!
Peter: . . . . THE COL-ONEL!

I'll tell you Lois, High school is a lot more fun this time around. And it's a lot safer now that all the kids have guns

Family Guy Quotes

Death Star Officer 1: Any attack made by the Rebels against this station would be a useless gesture, no matter what technical data they've obtained. This station is now the ultimate power in the universe.
Stewie (Darth Vader): That is fantastic! Terrific work! So no weaknesses at all, huh?
Death Star Officer 1: N- (considers) no.
Stewie (Darth Vader): You, uh, you hesitated there. Is there something I should know?
Death Star Officer 1: No, it's virtually indestructable, like 99.99 percent.
Stewie (Darth Vader): Uh...OK, wouldn't be doin' my job if I didn't ask what's the .01?
Death Star Officer 1: Well, I- I mean, there's this little hole, it was kind of an aesthetic choice by the architect, and if you shoot a laser into this hole, uh, the station blows up.
Stewie (Darth Vader): Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, that sounds like a pretty big design flaw there.
Death Star Officer 1: No, no, no the hole's only two meters across.
Mayor Adam West (Grand Moff Tarkin): Well, that's no bigger than a womp rat.
Death Star Officer 1: Exactly. And even to get within range of it, you have to skim along this whole trench, it's not a big deal.
Stewie (Darth Vader): Well, I mean, I mean, can't we board it up or, you know, put some plywood over it or something?
Death Star Officer 1: Well, that would look terrible! I mean, we got to think about re-sale.
Stewie (Darth Vader): Re-sale? Wh-what are you talking about? This property is right above Sunset, the value's only gonna go up.
Death Star Officer 1: Lord Vader, your inside references to the Los Angeles real estate market haven't given you the clairvoyance to turn a profit on that condo in Glendale, nor has it-
(Vader begins choking him with the Force)
Stewie (Darth Vader): I find your lack of faith disturbing. That property is in a prime location, twenty minutes to the beach, twenty minutes to downtown!
Death Star Officer 1: (choking) There's nothing to do downtown!
Mayor Adam West (Grand Moff Tarkin): Enough of this! Vader, release him.
Stewie (Darth Vader): As you wish. (releases the officer, who collapses on the table, gasping for air) All right, so we gonna plug up that hole?
Death Star Officer 2: Yeah, we can get it done tomorrow if price is no object.
Stewie (Darth Vader): Eyuuuuh...
Death Star Officer 2: We'll get estimates.
Stewie (Darth Vader): Yeah, get estimates, yeah ha, yeah, yeah ha ha, yeah.

Stewie: (Comes into the bedroom) Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Mom! Mom! Mom! Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Mama! Mama! Mama! Ma! Ma! Ma! Ma! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mummy! Mummy! Mumma! Mumma! Mumma!
Lois: What!?
Stewie: Hi! (Giggling and running out of the room)