If there's one thing the new drinking age has done, it's to let us know that women tell terrible stories.

Just to put it out there, Tom Tucker is packin'. I drive a 2006 Infiniti, and I don't intend to lose it. So come and get some, punks.

For those of you who turned out to see my stand-up comedy debut at Zany's last night, I again apologize for what I said about Moroccans.

Do you know who I am? I'm Tom Tucker, dammit! I make more in an hour than you make in two hours!

Tom Tucker: So the Griffins might be dead, how does that make you feel?
Consuela: Griffin dead? I take. (Picks up house from foundation, drags behind her)

Briggs reportedly escaped during a prison open house, an event that will most likely be canceled in the future.

A police spokesperson was quoted as saying "Duh, I'm a dumb cop, I like to give Tom Tucker a ticket." I was going like 41.

The hilarious video already has over 2 million views on YouTube. Comments range from sympathy, all the way to racial slurs directed at those who chose to comment.

That's right, Joyce, apparently there were over 100 kilos of cocaine right here in Quahog. And yet my guy can't get dick.

Tom and Diane: (both stoned) Here's Ollie Williams with the Blaccu-weather forecast.
Tom: How's the weather look, Ollie?
(cut to a stoned Ollie at a field)
Ollie: (calmly) Not too bad.
(cut back to Tom and Diane)
Tom: Right on.

Tom: We're now down to our final two competitors: Peter Griffin and Omar North Tower. Omar, you'll be going first. Your word is "coagulate".
Omar: C-O-A-G-A...
[Buzzer sounds]
Tom: Ooh! I'm sorry, Omar! [mutters under his breath] Bet you could spell "box cutter".
Omar: I'm nine years old, and I'm Indian! Ugh!

Tom: Okay, our next spelling bee contestant is Omar Mahajar-ifaah... something September 11thy. All right, Omar, your word is "candy".
Omar: Candy. C-A-N-D-Y. Candy.
Tom: That's correct. Our next contestant is Peter Griffin.
[Peter comes up to the microphone]
Tom: Peter, your word is "tree".
Peter: Can you use it in a sentence please?
Tom: There is a tree by the lake.
Peter: Huh. Can you use it in a dirty sentence?
Tom: I like to bring transient hookers to the old oak tree where I asphixiate myself at the same time I'm watching them have sex with each other.
Peter: T-R-E-E. Tree.
Tom: Correct!

Family Guy Quotes

Stewie: Alright Brian, I'm gonna go up to the upper level and run this wire down through the wall. Grab your walkie, I'll call you when I get up there.
Brian: Okay.
(Stewie walks away, is heard over the walkie-talkie)
Stewie: Brian, pick up. Over.
Brian: What?
Stewie: Brian, please say "over" when you are finished talking. Over.
Brian: (sighs) What? Over.
Stewie: Do you see the wire yet? Over.
Brian: No.
Stewie: Nooooo what? Over.
Brian: No. Over.
Stewie: Okay, I'm gonna start feeding it through. Over.
Brian: Wait, If you haven't started feeding it, why'd ya ask me if I could see it?
Stewie: Didn't copy that. Over.
Brian: I said why did ya ask me if I could see it if you haven't started feeding it. Over.
Stewie: Oh that's better, I can hear you now. Over. Do you see it yet? Over.
Brian: You know, you're a jackass. For the record, I don't wanna hang out with you anymore when this is over.
Stewie: When this is what Brian? Over.
Brian: I said, I don't wanna hang out with you anymore when this is over.
Stewie: When this is what? You've got to finish your sentence. Over.
Brian: That's it, my sentence is over.
Stewie: Your sentence is what, Brian? Over.
Brian: My sentence is- wait a minute. I have to say over, even if the sentence ends with the word over?
Stewie: Ends with the word what, Brian? Over.
(the wire descends through the wall)
Brian: Oh, I see the wire.
Stewie: You see the wire what? Over.
Brian: Over! (yanks on the wire, pulling Stewie down with it)

[disappointedly] You wanna hurt me? Go right ahead if it makes ya feel any better. I'm an easy target. Yeah. You're right. I talk too much. I also listen too much. I could be a cold-hearted cynic like you, but I don't like to hurt people's feelings. Well, you think what you want about me. I'm not changin'. I like me. My kids like me. My friends like me. 'Cause I'm the real article. What you see is what you get.

Peter