Joe: Hey Peter, this water tastes kind of funny.
Peter: What do you mean like "ha ha" Jerry Seinfeld funny, or Elaine Boosler "God bless her she's trying" funny?

• Permalink: Hey Peter, this water tastes kind of funny. What do you mean l...
• Added: October 14, 2009

Meg: I'm sure the money clip will be safe in my room.
Stewie: I'm sure it will be lost throughout the pictures of Justin Timberlake or Tom Cruise or ... blast, who the devil do teenagers like ... or Morgan Freeman

• Permalink: I'm sure the money clip will be safe in my room. I'm sure it w...
• Added: October 14, 2009

TV Announcer: We now return to Touched by an Angel.
Lawyer [holding up a doll]: Now where exactly did the angel touch you?
Boy [pointing to the crotch]: Here.
Angel: Oh come on, who are you going to believe? I've got a freakin' halo

• Permalink: We now return to Touched by an Angel. Now where exactly did th...
• Added: October 14, 2009

I got no idea how to be black ... y'know, except for not smiling when I get my picture taken

Peter

• Permalink: I got no idea how to be black ... y'know, except for not smiling...
• Added: October 14, 2009

Dennis Miller: I don't wanna go on a rant here, but America's foreign policy makes about as much sense as Beowolf having sex with Robert Fulton at the first Battle of Antietam. I mean when a neo-conservative defenstrates it's like Raskolnikov filibuster deoxymonohydroxinate.
Peter: What the hell does rant mean?

• Permalink: I don't wanna go on a rant here, but America's foreign policy ma...
• Added: October 14, 2009

Chris: What's a library, dad?
Peter: Oh, it's just a place where homeless people come to shave and go BM

• Permalink: What's a library, dad? Oh, it's just a place where homeless pe...
• Added: October 14, 2009

Dear Diary, Jackpot!

Quagmire [after finding a cheerleader tied up in a bathroom stall]

• Permalink: Dear Diary, Jackpot!
• Added: October 14, 2009

Peter: Hey, Chris, what are you doing?
Chris: Just layin' back in the cot, peepin' at this here homie. Yo, pops, let me have some cheddar. Some player hater be throwin' salt in my game and grillin' me over my gear and I needs to be mackin' style.
Peter: Well, uh... the important thing is you tried, son.

• Permalink: Hey, Chris, what are you doing? Just layin' back in the cot, p...
• Added: October 14, 2009

Brian: "The Diary of Nate Griffin." May 7th, 1836. I was brushing down Lucy, the new colt, when she let out a fart right near my face. So I took her head and stuck it by my butt and blew a huge fart right back at her.
Peter: Hehehehehehe!
Brian: Oh, uh, that laugh's in here, too, see? "Hehehehehehehe..."

• Permalink: The Diary of Nate Griffin. May 7th, 1836. I was brushing down Lu...
• Added: October 14, 2009

Peter: That's my son out there. I taught him how to wipe.
Jake: Why won't you teach me how to wipe, dad?
Tom Tucker: Because you don't have a bottom, son.
Jake: Aw!

• Permalink: That's my son out there. I taught him how to wipe. Why won't y...
• Added: October 14, 2009

Meg: Oh, my God!
Mr. Pewterschmidt: He's violating Seabreeze!
Peter: No, no he's just awkwardly positioning himself--oh now he's violating Seabreeze

• Permalink: Oh, my God! He's violating Seabreeze! No, no he's just awkwa...
• Added: October 14, 2009

You know what's funny? I always thought that dogs laid eggs, and I learned something today

Peter

• Permalink: You know what's funny? I always thought that dogs laid eggs, and...
• Added: October 14, 2009