Lois: When you were born the doctor said you were the happiest looking baby he'd ever seen.
Stewie: But, of course. That was my victory day. The fruition of my deeply-laid plans to escape from that cursed ovarian bastille!

Meg: Mom, can I turn the heat up?
Lois: Don't touch the thermostat, Meg. Your father gets upset.
Meg: Come on. This thing goes up to 90.
[Meg adjusts it a little, and Peter suddenly comes into the room]
Peter: Who touched the thermostat?
Meg: God, how does he always know?
Peter: Brain implant, Meg. Every father's got one. Tells you when the kids mess with the dial.
Guy: My thing went off! Your thermostat okay?

Brian: Amazing, you can barely drive a car, and yet you are allowed to fly a blimp?
Peter: Yeah, America's great, except for the south

Quagmire: Hey Peter, you want to play "drink the beer"?
Peter: Sure. (takes drink of beer)
Quagmire: You win!
Peter: What do I win?
Quagmire: Another beer!
Peter: Oh man, I'm going for the high score!
Quagmire: Actually, Charlie has the high score.
Charlie [peeing in grandfather clock]: Hey man, your clock won't flush

Peter: Not a word to your mother about my getting canned.
Lois: What?
Peter: Nothing. Ooh, the lost-my-job smells great!
Lois: Excuse me?
Peter: Uh...Meg, honey, could you please pass the fired-my-ass-for-negligence?
Lois: Peter, are you feeling okay?
Peter: What are you talking about, Lois? I feel great. I haven't got a job in the world

You know mother, life is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're going to get. Your life, however, is more like a box of active grenades!

Stewie

How the hell am I going to break this to Lois? If she finds out I got fired for drinking, she's going to blame me!

Peter

Family Guy Quotes

Fletcher met the long arm of the law at the wrong end of a shotgun at the deep end of a grave at the far end of a dead end road.

Peter

Hi, I'm Wilford Brimley and I have diabetes. It hurts me to pee and it causes me to be short with my family. I can't sleep at night. The other day I stubbed my toe and took it out on the dog. And two weeks ago I ran out of vanilla ice cream and struck my wife. Then I find out my wife has been dead for six years. Who the hell did I hit?

Wilford Brimley