Family Guy
Sundays 9:00 PM on FOXFamily Guy Season 5 Quotes
(Stewie walks into the recruiters office)
Recruiter: Peggy would you send in the next- oh, you're already here. Say, aren't you a little young to join the Army?
Stewie: No, I have that...um...Webster disease. Hey, is that the M9 double action pistol?
Recruiter: Sure is, standard issue in the Army.
Stewie: Where do I sign?
Recruiter: Right here. Did I mention there's a hundred dollar bonus if you sign up a buddy?
Stewie: Really? Well I think I have a surprise for somebody. (Stewie signs up Brian too)
(after killing the Vaudeville Guys) Okay, they're dead, alright? We're not going to be seeing them again.
Stewie
My God. You are the sorriest bunch of rejects I've ever seen, and I've seen The Bangles in concert.
Sgt. Angryman
Sgt. Angryman: Congratulations men, you've all passed basic training. I'm proud to call you soldiers. I'm sure you'll do your country proud tomorrow when you are all shipped off, to Iraq.
Brian: What!?
Stewie: Oh don't worry, I'm sure he means Fraggle-Iraq.
Lois: (opens Chris's closet) What the hell!? Marilyn Manson? Is that who's causing all this?
Peter: Yeah, it's all him or hers fault. Who does he or she think he or she is. Look, you can totally see his or her nipples. That's obscene maybe.
Lois: There's only one thing to do.
Peter: You're right, we've got to find this Marilyn Manson and I've gotta give that bastard or bitch a piece of my mind or penis.
Presenter: And the Grammy, for biggest posse goes to...Ja Rule!
Madonna: What!?
Presenter: No Madonna, posse, posse.
Madonna: Oh.
(Gregory Peck and his kids are riding in the car, his kids look and talk exactly like him)
Son #1: Are we there yet?
Son #2: It's crowded back here!
Son #3: Stop touching me!
Son #2: Your leg is rubbing up against mine!
Gregory Peck: Hey! Quiet down or I'm pulling over.
Son #1: Stop breathing on the window!
Son #2: You idiot! That's condensation, it's on the outside.
Gregory Peck: That's it! I will come back there and so help me god, I will hit you with my ring-hand.
(Iraqi Guy tells Iraqi Suicide Bomber how to bomb a store.)
Iraqi Suicide Bomber: Ok, I go in store, I throw Back-Pack, Big boom!
Iraqi Guy: No, no, no, you are big boom, big hero!
Iraqi Suicide Bomber: Okay right, so I throw backpack, come back and have big hero party with many virgins!
Iraqi Guy: No no no no no no. You BOOM!
Iraqi Suicide Bomber: Ohh ok ok, I put on backpack, BOOM, then I come back, big hero virgins.
Iraqi Guy: OK yeah, see you in a few minutes big hero.
(Stewie and Brian begin kissing in order to get thrown out of the Army)
Stewie: Wow, look at how gay we are! I am so gay with my gayness!
Brian: Me, too! I'm...I'm a homo.
Army Guy: Any room for one more?
Stewie: Hell yeah!
(Brian smacks Stewie)
Lois: So how was work today, Meg?
Peter: (blows raspberry)
Lois: Peter, you lost your job because of the superstore. You shouldn't blame Meg.
Peter: (blows raspberry)
Lois: And you can stop making that fart sound every time someone says 'Meg.'
Peter: (blows raspberry)
Brian: So how was your day exploiting the town's resources, Meg?
Peter: (blows raspberry)
Chris: (laughs) Meg!
Peter: (blows raspberry)
Chris: Meg!
Peter: (blows raspberry)
Chris: Meg! Meg! Meg! Meg! Meg! Meg! Meg!
Peter: (blows raspberries)
Chris: (whispers) Meg!
Peter: (blows silent raspberry)
Meg: I'm not gonna sit here and take this! I'm the only one in this family that has a job!
Peter: (whispers something in Brian's ear)
Brian: (chuckles) Yeah, like she'd get paid for that.
Meg: (to Brian) What did he just say to you?!
Brian: Nothing. It's like-- There was-- Forget it. It's nothing, Meg.
Peter: (blows raspberry)
Peter: Hmm...I'm still not sure.
Car Salesman: Did I mention the tank is a tank?
Peter: Sold!
Peter: Geez Meg, you ruined my good time! Just like basic cable.
(flashback)
TV: We now return to "Showgirls"...
Peter: Yay!
TV:...On TBS.
Peter: Aww...
