Family Guy
Sundays 9:00 PM on FOXFamily Guy Season 5 Quotes
(On the phone with Cleveland) So wait, Duprey moves in with Kate Hudson and Matt Dillon? But there newlyweds right? Well thats no time to have a house guest!
Peter
Sgt Angryman: Where are you from boy?
Stewie: Quahog
Sgt. Angryman: There are only two things in Quahog steers and queers and I don't see any antlers. So what does that make you?
Stewie: Queer?
Sgt. Angryman: Right!
Stewie: Oh did I get it?
Peter: Good thing we distracted the guard with that riddle.
Guard: What gets wetter as it dries...a towel. Hey, I've been had!
Stewie: What are you doing?
Brian: What does it look like? I'm leaving.
Stewie: You can't leave. That's desertion! They'll come after you like Peter came after that hockey coach! (Pause) No clip? Huh. Thought we had a clip.
Stewie: Brian, did you see Revenge of the Sith?
Brian: Yeah, I saw part of it.
Stewie: Why does Emperor Palpatine have a desk?
Brian: Huh?
Stewie: In that scene where Yoda comes in and they're about to have that big fight, Emperor Palpatine clearly gets up from his desk. I'm just saying, what does he...what does he need a desk for?
Brian: Who the hell cares?
Stewie: I'm just saying, it's weird. I mean, like, what was he doing at his desk right before Yoda walked in? What was he doing? Was he doing paperwork? Was he, like, "Uh Yoda, what do you need, and will it take longer than five minutes? I'm absolutely swamped. These requisition forms for new TIE fighters have to be down to Debbie in accounting by six or Nute Gunray is gonna pitch a tent in my waiting room."
Lois: Chris, I don't like this attitude of yours.
Chris: I don't care what you think of me!
Peter: Oh, I envy that. I am so self-concious about what people think of me.
Chris: Hello, James Woods High! I'm Chris, and this is my band, Splash Log! And we are gonna rock this place until about 9:30, cuz that's when the dance is over!
Chris: The army sounds awesome! And the recruiter said, with any luck, I could get the clap from a twelve year-old Chinese prostitute.
Peter: Oh, that's great! You'll be serving your country, just like American film legend, Mickey Rooney.
(scene switches to Mickey Rooney in a chair)
Mickey Rooney: Hi, I'm former biggest star in the world Mickey Rooney, and, as you may know, I am totally and completely insane! I like to yell at mice with my shirt off! (a shirtless Rooney kneels by a mouse) Aaah! Aaah! Sometimes, I like to steal other people's scabs! (Rooney steals a man's scab and runs off) Aaah! Aaah! How do I stay so crazy? (lifts up a jar of pills) Mickey Rooney's Crazy Pills! Take one with breakfast, one with lunch, and before you know it, you'll be up on your roof, pooping in the chimney! (switches to Rooney sitting on a chimney, pants down) Hold out your stockings, kids!
(playing piano and singing) I am Peter Griffin, I like fancy food, I like reading comic books and dressing like a dude! (throws piano) Oh yeah! Rock 'n' roll!
Peter
(to his therapist) Every time my daughter opens her mouth, I just wanna' punch her in the face, she's really annoying.
Peter
Stewie: Let me ask you this. When was the last time you saw something through to the end?
Brian: Well I uh..
Stewie: NEVER, thats when! You need this Brian. You dropped out of college, you still haven't finished your novel, do you know what you lack? Discipline! You know where you'll get it? Right here in the Army!
Chris, you can't join the army, you're too young. Besides, the Army's weak. Now the Marines, those are the men you wanna (Bleep).
Lois
