Favorite Scrubs Quotes
Ted: "Furthermore, if Sacred Heart Elementary for Girls does not change its name posthaste" - I thought that was a nice touch - "legal action will be taken, posthaste." Wait, that's wrong.
Dr. Kelso: Shocker.
Elliot: Look, um, that problem I was talking about before... I can't seem to intubate patients anymore. I mean, I used to do that better than anyone here. Now the only thing that sets me apart from the other doctors is that my beeper plays "That's the way, uh-huh, uh-huh, I like it! Mm-hm, mm-hmm!" I don't know what to do.
Dr. Casey: It's just a piece of porcelain! I mean, there's no reason we both shouldn't be able to sit on it!
Elliot: Yeah, um, about my career-ending problem...
Dr. Casey: We must conquer the roof toilet.
J.D.'s Narration: You know what, it's time to stop feeling sorry for yourself. You're still best man. It's not like Turk's gonna take that away from you.
Turk: J.D., can I talk to you?
J.D.'s Narration: AGH!
Turk: Have you seen Carla around?
J.D.'s Narration: Phew! False alarm.
Turk: 'Cause I need to, uh, talk to you in private? Sort of man to man?
J.D.'s Narration: AGH!
J.D.: I can't right now, Turk. I am completely swamped.
Turk: You're drawing lightning bolts on your Nikes.
J.D.: So I can get to my patients faster.
Janitor: Okay, look, attention roof-poopers! Setting aside for a moment the fact that I'm gonna make sure that you all live to regret this day, let's keep the magic rolling - let's not tell anyone else that there's a toilet on the roof... There is not a toilet on the roof!
Todd: But you just said there was.
Janitor: No! Yes, I did, but I was using a metaphor... uhh... that means... "God is watching us." You've heard this, "There's a toilet on the roof." Right? People?
Laverne: That's right, ain't nothing up there.
Todd: Cool.
Janitor: Oh, man. Tell me you're not waiting to use my roof toilet!
Laverne: Well, I would use Dr. Kelso's like I normally do, but I don't wanna wake up Hector.
Dr. Kelso: This is completely unacceptable!
Carla: Well, you said find him a room!
Dr. Kelso: Not my office, dammit!
Dr. Cox: He's your gardener, for God's sake!
Dr. Kelso: I could have both of you suspended...
Dr. Cox: You made your own bed, now your underpaid gardener's gotta sleep in it!
Elliot: Oh, it's just that I'm a little more comfortable with the setup that I have at home, you know. Like... extra locks.
Dr. Casey: Yeah, I've only gone outside my house twice. Once on an airplane, and once at the White House.
Elliot: How are the bathrooms at the White House?
Dr. Casey: I have no idea, but the fountains are nice. And security? Quick as bunnies.
Elliot: So tell me, is it harder being a surgeon or a doctor?
Dr. Casey: Oh, definitely a surgeon. 'Cause when you tell people that a loved one died, you have to do that thing where you pull your surgical mask down and you shake your head. If you do it too fast, it says, you know, I knew he was gonna die. And if you take too long and pause with it, it gives 'em false hope. So you have to do it perfectly.
Carla: Just tell me why would you make such a big deal about something we both know you don't even care about?
Turk: I don't know...
J.D.: Well, I better get to work before all the good patients are taken.
J.D.'s Narration: Sure I was hurt when I found out I was Turk's second choice for best man. But I'm not gonna be petty... I mean, when the tux guy called to confirm Turk's measurements, I gave them to him.
Turk: Dude! I look like I'm going to Ferrakhan day-camp!
J.D.: Just paint your legs black, you'll be fine.
Janitor: Did you tell anybody about my epiphany toilet?
J.D.: No, why?
Janitor: Where're you coming from?
Ted: Uhhh...
Over the Janitor's shoulder, J.D. shakes his head
Ted: ...No!
Dr. Kelso: Hey, ace! I want you to find my gardener, Hector, a room. He has a mild case of cellulitis, and I need him in tip-top shape by the weekend. I'm having my annual lawn-bowling tournament, and if anyone but Hector cuts my grass, my game goes to heck in a hand-basket.
Dr. Cox: Dammit all, Bob, you know we don't have an extra bed in this dump!
Dr. Kelso: Perry, what has two thumbs and still doesn't give a crap? Bob Kelso! I thought we'd met.
