Dr. Cox: Why? Why am I having such a hard time with this?
Jordan: Because apparently you have girl parts!

Perry? Why the hell is he still here? When I go back down to the cafeteria, there had better be only three workers there! Unless Margaret spits out another kid - that woman's like a Catholic bunny.

Dr. Kelso

Dr. Cox: Hell yeah, I wanted to see you. I wanted to tell you that I... I think you're doing a great job. Boy, that meatloaf today, it was-it was virtually hairless.
Kenny: I took off the gloves and... it makes the hair a lot easier to... pick out.

J.D.: Is that my new sweater?
Janitor: No, this is my new sweater mop.
J.D.: It went dynamite with my beige cords!
Janitor: You mean my beige cord sponge?

J.D.: A hot-air balloon seems kind of dangerous, I mean, he could get hurt.
Elliot: What's he gonna do? Bruise one of his giant malignant tumors?
J.D.: Safety is always important, Elliot.
Elliot: Oh, my God. You're afraid of balloon rides, aren't you!
J.D.: It's floating wicker propelled by fire!

Jordan: Oh, for God's sake, Perry! Adjust your bra, man up, and fire the one with the least pathetic story!
Dr. Cox: Do you really think I know any of these people's stories?
Janitor: Well, let me fill you in. First we have Hank - four kids, trying to make it on a dishwasher's salary. Next one is Mike - lost half his leg in a motorcycle accident. And then there's Judy - been here thirty years, just two away from retirement.
Jordan: You're...you're friends with all these people?
Janitor: You kidding me? I read their files. I read everybody's files, Ms. Manic-Depressive, Dr. Drinks-A-Lot.

Elliot: I can't believe you left me all alone for a stupid T.V. writer.
J.D.: Oh, like that is any different from the time you spent all night hanging out with your favorite weatherman from channel 4!

Dr. Kelso: I have to cut twenty-seven thousand dollars from the cafeteria budget! And my idea of getting it all back by charging a hundred bucks for a piece of cake went right out the window when Fat Frank decided to go on that power diet!
Fat Frank: I lost over two hundred-thirty pounds so far!

Okay, listen up, everyone. For budgetary reasons, we are turning the bathrooms on even-numbered floors into patients rooms. To sum up, floors two and four are no longer for one or two. Actually, there's still a bathroom on two, but then my joke wouldn't've worked.

Dr. Kelso

Carla: Whoa-ho! What are you doing? No tongue before ten.
Turk: Baby, J.D. and Kylie can make time for that stupid appointment kiss once a day - we should be able to do it twice a day!
Carla: Love is not a competition.
Turk: Okay.
Carla: Make it three times.

Dr. Cox: I see that. It seems you two have worn the same outfit. Barbie, if it's of any consolation, it looks slightly better on you.
Elliot: No, I'm talking about... Thank you!

J.D.'s narration: Things were amazing with Kylie. But before I could get more emotionally invested, I needed answers to some questions that were very important to me.
J.D.: Name three spin-offs of the sitcom 'Happy Days'.
Kylie: "Mork & Mindy", "Laverne & Shirley" and "Joanie Loves Chachi".
Turk: You marry her. You marry her now! You marry her!
J.D.: Okay, okay, we passed Section One - "Sitcoms about or involving Asian-American diner owners." Now on to Section Two - "Fat, tubby T.V. husbands and the crazy-hot women that would never actually be married to them."

Scrubs Season 4 Episode 17 Quotes

Okay, Perry! That's it, it's over. The only act left to see is you firing that guy.

Dr. Kelso

Unfortunately, around here things don't always end as neat and tidy as they do in sitcoms. Relationships aren't always magically fixed in thirty minutes - you have to work on them.

J.D.'s narration