The Simpsons
Sundays 8:00 PM on FOXFavorite The Simpsons Quotes
Dolph: I'm going to kiss the ground.
Kearney: Loser, you're gay for the ground.
Dolph: Well, you're gay for homophobia.
Kearney: Wow, you just made me gay for tolerance.
Homer: Don't you know the story of Hercules and the lion?
Bart: Is it a Bible story?
Homer: Yeah, probably. Anyway, once upon a time, there was a big mean lion who got a thorn in his paw. All the village people tried to pull it out, but nobody was strong enough! So they got Hercules, and Hercules used his mighty strength, and...bingo! Anyway, the moral is, the lion was so happy, he gave Hercules this big...thing...of riches.
Bart: How did a lion get rich?
Homer: It was the olden days!
I'll make a wish that can't backfire! I wish for a turkey sandwich, on rye bread, with lettuce, and mustard, and... I don't want any zombie turkeys, I don't wanna turn into a turkey myself, and I don't want any more weird surprises, you got it! (Homer eats)... Mmm, not bad, nice hot mustard, good bread, turkeys a little dry... THE TURKEY'S A LITTLE DRY!!!
Homer
Radio: It's time for another Bill and Marty Classic Prank Call!
Bill: Hello is this Mr. Chester Sherman?
Chester: Yes.
Bill: Sir your wife is dead!
Chester: Oh...god, no!
Bill: That's right, she just walked through a plate glass window, there's blood everywhere!
Chester: But...but I just talked to her (starts crying)
Bill/Marty: (Laughs)
(At the video arcade in the Springfield Mall, Bart plays a parody of Asteroids called "Triangle Wars.")
Bart: What's going on here? Am I destroying these triangles or trying to assemble them? What's does this button do?
(Bart presses the "Hyperspace" button.)
Bart: (Moans) Now my ship is pooping more triangles.
(The video game emits an electronic chime.)
Bart: Oh, no. I won a free game.
Bart: (reading cue cards) Hello, Mr... Kurns. I bad want... money now. Me sick.
Homer: Ooh, he card reads good.
Bart: Who's up at 3:17 AM watching TV?
Homer: Alcoholics, the unemployable, angry loners...
Bart: Can I betray the country I pledge allegiance to every day?
CIA Guy #1: You pledge allegiance to the flag.
CIA Guy #2: And the flag is made in China.
Burns: Somebody up there likes me, Smithers!
Smithers: Somebody down here likes you too, sir!
Burns: Shut up!
D'oh! Why do things that happen to stupid people keep happening to me?
Homer
Bart: You're going down, Homer. I'm gonna fool you!
Homer: You talk better than you fool.
Bart: I'll fool you up real nice.
Homer: You couldn't fool your mother on the foolingest day of your life if you had an electrified fooling machine.
Marge: You lost 5% of your brain.
Homer: Me lose brain? Uh-oh! (Everyone including Homer laughs)
Homer: Why I laugh?
