God, if you don't bring my Lisa home safe, ants will burn tonight!

Nelson

• Permalink: God, if you don't bring my Lisa home safe, ants will burn tonigh...
• Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Reverend Lovejoy: Everyone is saying "Gabbo this" and "Gabbo that". But no one is saying "Worship this" and "Jericho that".
Jasper: What's this about Gabbo?

• Permalink: Everyone is saying Gabbo this and Gabbo that. But no one is sayi...
• Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Happy Anni..birth..tine's...shark week?

Homer

• Permalink: Happy Anni..birth..tine's...shark week?
• Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Bart's been raptured and his crap's been craptured.

Homer

• Permalink: Bart's been raptured and his crap's been craptured.
• Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

(Bart answers the door)
Man: Yeah, hi. I got a special delivery for Homer Simpson.
Bart: That's me.
Man: (Punches Bart in the face.) Don't write no more letters to Mr. Sinatra.
(doorbell rings Bart answers it)
Teenager: I got a special delivery for Homer Simpson.
Bart: Uh that's me.
Teenager: (Punches Bart in the face.) Stop stealing golf balls from the driving range!
(Doorbell rings)
Man: (Through door) Homer Simpson! I've got a uh special delivery for you.
Bart: Go away.
Man: If you do not open the door, Mr. Simpson I cannot give you your special delivery.
(Bart sees it's his animation cell he ordered.)
Man: Here's your special delivery.
Bart: Thanks...
Man: (Punches Bart in the face.) And that's for keeping me waiting.

• Permalink: Yeah, hi. I got a special delivery for Homer Simpson. That's m...
• Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Homer: What should I buy first, a mirror that gives me advice or Hitler's baseball?
Mirror: My advice is to buy Hitler's baseball.

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• Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Grampa: The television only has one channel.
Aide: That's a fish tank!
Grampa: You're a fish tank.
Aide: That was hurtful. I wish I was a fish tank, then I could filter out his nasty words.

• Permalink: The television only has one channel. That's a fish tank! You...
• Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Bart: Uh, say, are you guys crooks?
Fat Tony: Bart, um, is it wrong to steal a loaf of bread to feed your starving family?
Bart: No.
Fat Tony: Well, suppose you got a large starving family. Is it wrong to steal a truckload of bread to feed them?
Bart: Uh uh.
Fat Tony: And, what if your family don't like bread? They like...cigarettes?
Bart: I guess that's okay.
Fat Tony: Now, what if instead of giving them away, you sold them at a price that was practically giving them away. Would that be a crime, Bart?
Bart: Hell, no!
Fat Tony: Enjoy your gift.

• Permalink: Uh, say, are you guys crooks? Bart, um, is it wrong to steal a...
• Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Eddie: That sounded like an explosion at the old Simpson place.
Chief Wiggum: Forget it. That's two blocks away.
Eddie: Looks like there's beer coming out of the chimney!
Chief Wiggum: (Gets out of car) I am proceeding on foot. Call in a Code 8.
Eddie: (Into radio) We need pretzels. Repeat, pretzels.

• Permalink: That sounded like an explosion at the old Simpson place. Forge...
• Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Homer: (reading the paper) "Asleep at the switch"! I wasn't asleep, I was drunk!
Bart: I believe you, dad.

• Permalink: Asleep at the switch! I wasn't asleep, I was drunk! I believe...
• Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

You'll have to speak up, I'm wearing a towel.

Homer

• Permalink: You'll have to speak up, I'm wearing a towel.
• Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Homer: The point of the dinosaurs is: no matter what we do, an asteroid is going to wipe us out. So we should party hard and wreck the place!

• Permalink: No matter what we do, an asteroid is going to wipe us out. So we...
• Rating: 5.0 / 5.0