Some of you may discover a wonderful vocation you'd never even imagined. Others may find out life isn't fair, in spite of your Masters from Bryn Mawr, you might end up a glorified babysitter to a bunch of dead-eyed fourth graders while your husband runs naked on a beach with your marriage counselor!

Edna

• Permalink: Some of you may discover a wonderful vocation you'd never even i...
• Added: February 18, 2010

Bart: Wow! Can I see your club?
Lou: It's called a baton, son.
Bart: Oh. What's it for?
Lou: We club people with it.

• Permalink: Wow! Can I see your club? It's called a baton, son. Oh. What...
• Added: February 18, 2010

Since we have fifteen minute until recess, please put down your pencils and stare at the front of the room.

Miss Hoover

• Permalink: Since we have fifteen minute until recess, please put down your ...
• Added: February 18, 2010

Eddie: This is against every regulation but, will you cover us? (Hands Bart a gun.)
Bart: Cool!

• Permalink: This is against every regulation but, will you cover us? Cool...
• Added: February 18, 2010

Question sixty. I prefer the smell of (a) gasoline, (b) French fries, or (c) bank customers.

Miss Hoover

• Permalink: Question sixty. I prefer the smell of gasoline, French fries, ...
• Added: February 18, 2010

Hoover: Lisa, what nineteenth-century figure was named 'Old Hickory'?
Lisa: I don't know. You?
Hoover: Lisa, if you'd bothered to do the assignment, you'd know the answer is... (flips to answers) The Battle of New Orleans. I mean, Andrew Jackson.
Lisa: Well, you're earning your eighteen grand a year.

• Permalink: Lisa, what nineteenth-century figure was named 'Old Hickory'? ...
• Added: February 18, 2010

Teacher: This is a great day for me. I thought I could never teach again!
Skinner: Oh, things have changed. There will be no mockery of your name, Mr. Glascock.

• Permalink: This is a great day for me. I thought I could never teach again!...
• Added: February 18, 2010

Bart: Seymour, this is an absent slip signed by Nelson's mother. And this is Nelson's English homework. Notice the identical elongated loops on the d's.
Principal Skinner: Forgery! So he didn't have leprosy!

• Permalink: Seymour, this is an absent slip signed by Nelson's mother. And t...
• Added: February 18, 2010

Hey, I don't need you to get me in the back of a police car.

Bart

• Permalink: Hey, I don't need you to get me in the back of a police car.
• Added: February 18, 2010

Well, I'm going to be a famous jazz musician. I've got it all figured out. I'll be unappreciated in my own country, but my gutsy blues stylings will electrify the French. I'll avoid the horrors of drug abuse, but I do plan to have several torrid love affairs, and I may or may not die young. I haven't decided.

Lisa

• Permalink: Well, I'm going to be a famous jazz musician. I've got it all fi...
• Added: February 18, 2010

Ooh, they used nylon rope this time. It feels so smooth against my skin. Almost sensuous.

Apu

• Permalink: Ooh, they used nylon rope this time. It feels so smooth against ...
• Added: February 18, 2010

Principal Skinner: Your punishment is 400 days detention.
Bart: I could easily do that on my head.
Principal Skinner: 500 days!
Bart: Oh, ho ho.
Principal Skinner: 600 days!
Bart: Maybe I should keep my big mouth shut.

• Permalink: Your punishment is 400 days detention. I could easily do that ...
• Added: February 18, 2010