Alan: I am not comfortable with this. Maybe I should go and wait in the car.
Charlie: You're not waiting in the car. Trust me, this is a great way to meet women.
Alan: I don't wanna meet women. I'm still married.
Charlie: C'mon. Your wife is out meeting chicks, why shouldn't you?
Jake [singing]:'s the sweetest breakfast treat, it's maple-maple-maplelicious.
Hot Chick: Your son is just adorable.
Alan: Oh. Thank you.
Hot Chick: You and your... life partner must be so proud.
Charlie: You're right. Go wait in the car!

Alan: You have someone who comes into your house and glues your cabinets shut regularly?
Charlie: You've met some of the whack jobs I've went out with, this shouldn't be that much of a stretch

Two and a Half Men Quotes

Alan: What's the forecast?
Charlie: High tonight, low tomorrow, 100% chance of hangover.

Charlie: For every gorgeous woman out there's a guy tired of banging her.
Alan: But that guy is never me.