The Office

Andy Bernard Quotes (Page 9)

Andy: [to woman] So your car's totaled. Uh. You should probably wanna get a refund on that. Or my guy could do it he's great but uh ... I can't do that for you. I work exclusively on motorcycles.
 • Rating: 2.0 / 5.0

Michael: What topics, can you use for small talk?
Andy: Golf, stock market, Dave Matthews-
Michael: Yes, what else?
Creed: Small things. Peas, ball bearings, dimes.
Michael: No.
Meredith: The weekend.
Michael: Yeah! That's good! Come on up, Meredith. Come up here. Let's do a little something. So Meredith and I just started conversing, and I will say, "so Meredith, how was your weekend? What did you do?"
Meredith: Well I caught my son taking a dump on the upper-part of the toilet... he calls it an "upper decker."
 • Rating: 4.0 / 5.0

Dwight: Do you know how to use that?
Andy: To change tires? No. But it's metal. I can hit somebody with it.
 • Rating: Unrated

Pam: Andy, did I dream you were crying through the night?
Andy: No, that was real.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Andy: Every little bump on the road is major pain on my scrotum.
 • Rating: Unrated

Andy: This is not the first time rumors about me being gay have come up. Twice before actually. Just a weird coincidence. A little too weird. Almost makes you wonder if it's not a coincidence at all! Whoa! Which it is, of course. But it makes you wonder.
 • Rating: Unrated

Andy: Did you hear the rumor about me? That I'm gay?
Oscar: I did.
Andy: Do you think it's true?
Oscar: Are you attracted to other men?
Andy: No. But let me give you a scenario. I'm at a beach cabana. Brad Pitt comes up and tries to kiss me. I would definitely resist at first, but if he was persistent, I would probably give in a little bit, depending on how persistent he was ...
Oscar: If Brad Pitt tried to kiss you and you resisted, he would still have to get to you?
Andy: It's just a scenario.
 • Rating: Unrated

Kevin: Hahaha. Tea.
Andy: I like tea.
Kevin: You WOULD.
Andy: I like it a lot!
Kevin: I bet you do.
Andy: I REALLY like it!
Kevin: Do you like it as much as you like men's butts?!
Andy: What?
Kevin: 'Cause you're GAY!
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Jim: You gotta figure this out.
Andy: How?
Jim: Have sex with a woman.
Andy: Oh, yeah!
Jim: Then a man. Then compare.
 • Rating: Unrated

Andy: [on gay rumors] For the record I prefer women, but off the record, I'm kinda confused.
Jim: Really.
Andy: The evidences are stacked against me.
 • Rating: Unrated

Are we missing your favorite quote from "?" Submit it here and get points for adding quotes!